


Bilbo, Nori, and the Royal Arse (and how they tapped that)

by alkjira



Series: Fix-it (!) December [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotionally Constipated Thorin, F/F, F/M, Female Bilbo, Female Thorin, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Smut, Multi, Threesome - F/F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-02-27 17:58:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2702060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo is in love with Nori and Thorin.<br/>Nori is in love with Bilbo and Thorin (even if he wouldn't entirely put it like that, because he's a bit nervous about that particular L word)</p>
<p>Thorin... Thorin can't manage to pay Bilbo a compliment without insulting her. And she thinks Nori couldn't have a serious relationship even if his life depended on it.<br/>But yes, she's in love with Nori and Bilbo. Even if she won't admit it to herself.</p>
<p>Which means that Bilbo and Nori have some work to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Second Fix-it story! One which will be posted over the next few days as to not shock anyone with too many words at once ;)  
> Smut in later chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to diemarysues for the title help!

Bilbo was more than a little taken aback the night she realised that she was not only in love with one Dwarf, but two.  
  
One might have been all right, at least if it'd been someone like Bofur or Bombur. The two brothers would be welcome in the Shire for their merry ways and twinkling eyes alone, and as soon as anyone would learn of Bombur’s incredible competence in the kitchen and Bofur’s toy making skills, or the darling way they both had with little ones, they would have more offers for tea, and strolls, and parties than they could ever hope to accept. And courtships too, Bilbo imagined.

Still, if Bilbo had shown up with _both_ of them in tow and declared they’d all live in Bag End together it would have raised more than a few eyebrows. 

And… the two people her foolish heart had decided to settle on were not nearly as, erm, _uncomplicated_ as Bofur and Bombur, quite the opposite. 

In fact Bilbo thought that she'd probably found the two least proper people she possibly could have fallen for, (and improper for their own different reasons) and she was sure that if her father had somehow been informed about this in the Halls of Mandos, he was already trying to figure out how to come back as a ghost to haunt her with lectures.  
  
He might even have a point, because the two Dwarfs her eyes couldn't help but follow; who made her heart beat faster, and who now had begun to show up in her _dreams_ , were none other than Thorin and Nori.

One a King, and the other a thief. Eyebrows would not only be raised, they would disappear into hairlines _never_ to be seen again. 

Not that it mattered, because showing up with both of them in the Shire… that would never happen.  
  
Thorin disliked her (though even if the King had been as friendly as her nephews there would still have been the small matter of her being _King_ ) and Nori seemed more inclined to flirt with Dwalin and Bofur than he was to notice Bilbo mooning over him. Because yeah, Bilbo could now admit to herself that she’d been doing just that. Over Thorin too. But Thorin obviously thought her an idiot, and Nori… well…

If Dwalin was Nori’s type it seemed unlikely he'd be interested in a small, chubby Hobbit .  
  
Bilbo and Dwalin shared roughly the same body parts; they each had two arms, two legs, and so on, but that was pretty much where the similarities ended. Not to mention that there were a few rather crucial body parts that did _not_ match at _all_.  
  
If Bofur was Nori’s type… She was a little more like Bofur in _spirit_ at least, but again, there would be some crucial… _bits_ , missing. Not to mention that Bofur was a lot nicer and friendlier than her. Even Lobelia would probably like him. At least a little. Maybe.  
  
Looking up at the starry sky Bilbo sighed and burrowed down deeper into her bedroll, which was a mistake as she now felt every stick, stone and pebble beneath her, and all of them seemed inclined to dig their way into her spine.

Stupid stones. And stupid dreams about blue eyes, and dark hair and twinkling green eyes, and red hair, and strong arms and warm kisses and-

Bilbo bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes. Stupid dreams. Stupid, stupid dreams, stupid Dwarfs and stupid her. That seemed to sum it all up quite nicely.  
  
She winced as a particularly sharp stone seemed to stab straight into her shoulder blade. Oh right, stupid stones too.  
  


-  
  


Morning came, and Bilbo yawned her way through breakfast and saddling her pony.

"Did you sleep badly?" Bofur asked, gently nudging her aside so he could help tighten the girth properly. Myrtle was a sweetheart and deserving of all the apples on Arda, but she probably appreciated that someone who knew what they were doing took over because it seemed to Bilbo as if the pony breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"I'm-" Bilbo yawned again. "-fine."  
  
"Sure you are," Bofur said and shook his head as he stroked his hand over Myrtle’s side, giving her a good pat. Myrtle turned her head to look adoringly at him. See, even ponies found Bofur charming. No wonder Nori did too. "In fact I’ve _never_ seen you better rested,” Bofur continued, sounding not very sincere at all. But even that made him sound rather charming. Something about the way his vowels just rolled off his tongue in a pleasant burr. No one in the Shire sounded like that.  
  
Bilbo, noticing that her thoughts were drifting, was about to gather her tired wits enough to reply when she caught Thorin's eye from across the camp. The Dwarf was frowning at her, heavy eyebrows furrowed in disapproval and Bilbo forced herself to keep her chin high and not look away.  
  
Thorin probably thought that she’d slow them down, but hah! Bilbo would show her. She wasn’t good enough at riding to be worse at it, even _if_ she was sleepy. Seeing her ride would serve Thorin right. Probably. Somehow. Hmmfph!  
  
"Hullo." Bofur waved his hand in front of her face. "Bilbo, if you're falling asleep on your feet you're not going to be able to-"  
  
"I'm  _fine_ ," Bilbo said with enough force that Bofur chuckled and raised his hands in surrender.

"I meant no offence."  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry, Bofur," Bilbo said and patted him on the arm. "I promise I'm not too tired to ride. I just woke up much too early and couldn't get back to sleep. I believe the rocks acquired legs and the desire to crawl beneath by bedroll."

Wouldn’t it be much nicer if two Dwarfs in particular would acquire the desire to crawl  _onto_ her bedroll? Surely there was a way for them all to fit. Thorin at the bottom as she was the tallest and broadest of them and-

Bilbo felt a flush heat her cheeks. Though that was horribly greedy wasn't it? To wish for two? Both of them at the same time, taking turns kissing her and kissing each other while she watched and-

Turning away from Bofur to hide what was now sure to be bright red cheeks Bilbo pretended to have found a sudden interest in making sure her saddle bags were properly secured. _Very_ properly. No saddle bags were going to fall off on her watch, nope.  
  
"You sure you're all right?" Bofur asked, head tilted to the side in earnest confusion.

"Something wrong with our burglar?"   
  
Bilbo most certainly did _not_ jump a feet into the air as Nori appeared to pop into existence next to her.

"There is _now_ ," Bilbo gasped and pressed her hand to her chest. "My heart just about made a knot out of itself. May we please get a bell for you?"

"She's not slept properly," Bofur explained before Nori could make a comment on the bell proposal, and if it had faded a little from the scare, Bilbo's blush now came back with full force.  
  
Nori was standing right next to her, close enough that she could feel the warmth of him along her side. Definitely closer than many would consider proper. Almost close enough to touch. And Nori was very much involved in why she'd not been sleeping. Though not as involved as she’d like him to be but that was neither here nor there. 

For a brief moment Nori's face seemed to blank, then a smirky grin split his face, and Bilbo blinked and wondered if she’d even seen that other expression in the first place.

"Have anything to do with that, Bofur?" Nori asked, grinning at Bilbo as his eyebrows did a merry and suggestive little dance. “I saw your bedrolls next to each other’s. Keeping our burglar up and awake all night?”

"Huh?" Bofur gave Nori a confused look. "No I was-" his eyes widened as he caught on to what Nori was hinting at. "Oh, Mahal, _no_!"

Bilbo ducked her head, but not before she'd noticed that Bofur even blushed harder than she did, ever bared inch of skin turning bright red. Great. If Nori liked blushing people she couldn’t compete in that arena either. 

"I didn't mean any offence," Bofur explained as he awkwardly pulled on one braid. "I just don't-"

"Bofur, it's fine," Bilbo promised. "I'm fine, you’re fine, everything's fine."  
  
Indeed. What could possibly be wrong? She was just heading towards a Dragon which she was going to burgle a mountain from, falling in love with two Dwarfs on the way there. Nothing to see here, please move right along.

"So the two of are not..?" Nori asked and looked between them, and was that a hint of possessiveness in his voice? So it was Bofur he was interested in after all.

" _No_!"  
  
After his half-shout Bofur looked as if he wanted to disappear into his hat. "Sorry. I did it again didn't I?" He looked pleadingly at Nori. "It’s just, she's like my sister?" He turned back to Bilbo. “You remind me of when Bombur was just a wee one. Not that you’re a child- Oh, blast I’m just making this worse.“

Bilbo hid a sigh. Not because she minded being called Bofur’s sister, but Bofur was protesting rather heavily. Enough that he might actually have rather specific reasons for not wanting Nori to think that he was involved with anyone. Great.  
  
If they got together at least Thorin would be left for her too moon over without feeling too guilty about it, because she was not going to entertain thoughts about someone happily taken.  
  
Maybe _that_ was the upside of being foolish enough to fall for two people at once, lose one and there’s still one left to ogle.  
  
Only… Bilbo felt her ears heat up and she really hoped that her curls covered them.  
  
Only, despite knowing that she couldn’t really have _either_ of them she still wanted _both_.  
  
…Dwarfs were supposed to be greedy, was it by any chance contagious?

-  
  
Nori looked consideringly at their burglar as she rode on ahead of him.  
  
Yes, ‘consideringly’ was indeed the word he would use, even though his gaze occasionally slipped down to rest at Bilbo’s round arse being gently bounced up and down as her pony trotted alongside Bofur’s.  
  
 _Sister_.  
  
Only Bilbo hadn’t looked too pleased about being named Bofur’s sister. Sure, she might have just been embarrassed; no scratch that. She’d _definitely_ been embarrassed by the entire thing, judging by the frankly delicious blush staining her cheeks berry red. But had she been disappointed as well?  
  
Nori thought so, even if he rather hoped he was mistaken, because there wasn’t anything wrong with a little bit of wishful thinking every now and again. Brightened one’s spirits it did.  
  
Like considering a much more pony-less situation where Bilbo’s arse might still bounce like that. And not while still being covered by her skirts either. And preferably this bouncing should take place in Nori’s lap and not Bofur’s.  
  
Bofur wasn’t good enough for her anyway. Only that was a very big lie, because even though Nori hadn’t known Bofur for all that long it was obvious that he was one of those hopelessly nice people who’d give their last coin to a stranger they’d just met. And then he’d give them his shirt and ask if they’d need directions too, maybe someone to walk them.  
  
As Bilbo laughed at something Bofur had just said Nori scowled darkly. _Sister_ , he reminded himself. And you didn’t go around wanting to get your sisters into bed, or bedroll, as it were.

Bofur didn’t seem that type at least. Though if Bilbo had been _Nori’s_ sister he might have considered-  
  
“I can feel you plotting mischief,” Dwalin rumbled as he rode up beside Nori. “The hair on my arms is trying to stand straight up. That’s always a sign of you thinking about doing something you shouldn’t. Often something I’ll need to sort out.” He hummed thoughtfully. “Well, that or thunder’s coming. But the sky’s clear.”  
  
“I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nori said, sliding a grin in Dwalin’s direction. “I was merely thinking about family.”  
  
“Sure,” Dwalin agreed, entirely unconvinced. “Stop it.”  
  
“I’m not doing anything.”  
  
“Then stop that.”  
  
Nori snickered. “That’s- are you sure?”  
  
Dwalin huffed. “You think I’m making the part about my arm hair up? Because I’m bloody well not.”  
  
Nori raised an eyebrow. And then, as a test, he allowed himself to take a step further into the land of wishful thinking; picturing honey brown curls next to- no _tangled_ with long dark tresses shot through with silver. Bilbo’s tiny little nose nudging up against-

“Ack, _stop_ it,” Dwalin said, rubbing briskly at his arm. “Whatever you’re thinking, stop it. I know that look on your face. That’s the sort of look that ends up with _me_ having to tell Dori that I last saw you climb on top of a statue while the people you swindled at cards were snapping at you like angry badgers with their tails on fire.”

“I made so much coin that time,” Nori said wistfully. “So much it was difficult to climb that damned thing as my pockets were so full.”

“I’m not hearing any stopping,” Dwalin muttered, still rubbing his arm. “Mark my words, I’m refusing to get you out of the next mess you get yourself in to.”  
  
“Dwalin-“ Nori made sure to make his eyes as big and sad as possible. “I thought we were friends.”  
  
“And only Mahal knows how that even happened,” Dwalin muttered. But it wasn’t a denial, and Nori grinned and made a piece of sugar candy appear from a hidden pocket, offering the boiled sweet wrapped in waxed paper to Dwalin.  
  
“Perhaps due to bribes?” Nori suggested, and Dwalin snorted, but he did take the candy, soon crunching on it contentedly.  
  
With no further need for conversation Nori turned his attention back to Bilbo. And Thorin, because the King was riding further ahead still. Her arse were not quite as interesting to watch as Bilbo’s as there was less bouncing happening, but there was still something about the way Thorin held herself, and the way her long dark hair cascaded down her back, and-  
  
“Stop it,” Dwalin protested. “My arms are tingling again.”  
  
With a small sigh Nori found another candy for him.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin tries to be nice, Bilbo is a parsnip and Nori is jealous.

Right. Okay. Was almost getting eaten by Trolls and then almost eaten by Wargs and then chased by Orcs and almost getting killed (possible by being eaten) worth _finally_ getting to meet Elves?  
  
Bilbo was tentatively leaning towards yes, as she’d not actually been killed and eaten, but she had the feeling that any such question posed to her companions would result in such loud denials that the people in Bree heard them. Her Dwarven companions likely thought this as just one more horrible incident on a truly awful day.  
  
Standing on her tip-toes, with the warm breeze trailing through her curls and playing with the hem of her blouse, Bilbo leaned against the railing of the balcony in her very own room that she didn’t need to share with a bunch of snoring Dwarfs, and looked out at the white and grey stone buildings gilded around the edges by the setting sun.

Rivendell, _Imladris_ , was extraordinarily beautiful. Surely even Thorin and the others would agree with her on this? Bilbo snorted. No, probably not. But that was their loss.  
  
A small smile on her lips Bilbo’s eyes tracked the tall figures of Elves strolling along a walkway on the opposite side of the valley. Was having a night devoid of snoring worth facing death three times in a day? The answer to that would have to be a no. But as it was already a done deal Bilbo was going to enjoy it anyway. Enjoy sleeping in peace, and maybe.. maybe more than sleeping.  
  
She was still having dreams about Nori and Thorin. After that first time they’d just kept going, even though she’d tried to tell her head that she didn’t need any more hints, she understood all too well that she was in love with them.  
  
But still they came, almost every night. And some of them were more… stirring, than others.  
  
If she would happen to have one while entirely alone in a room, with no one else around to see something that they shouldn’t… Then maybe-

The knock on the door startled Bilbo quite badly, and it was fortunate that a low railing for Elves still meant that it was rather high for her, or else she might have accidentally hopped off the balcony.

Out of all the people she might have expected to be on the other side of the door, which admittedly was a fairly short list, Thorin was still at the bottom of it. But Thorin did not seem to care about that, because there she was, standing outside Bilbo’s door. Looking entirely too beautiful in the golden light from the disappearing sun.

“Thorin?” Bilbo said. “I mean, of course it’s you. Because I can see that it’s you. I mean-“  
  
“I am here to thank you,” Thorin said, sounding very much like Bilbo would imagine someone would sound if they were declaring their intentions to eat a rotten parsnip.  
  
“Thank me?” Bilbo repeated, not entirely sure that she appreciated being the parsnip in this situation. “For what?” Not getting herself killed? Because Bilbo was rather proud of that one too, but-  
  
“It was good, what you did, with the Trolls. The distraction.”  
  
Oh. Bilbo beamed up at Thorin. “Well, I-“  
  
“Of course it would have been better if you’d not gotten yourself caught in the first place,” Thorin continued, crossing her arms over her chest. “That was foolish.”  
  
Bilbo most absolutely did _not_ appreciate being the parsnip.

“I’m terribly sorry I didn’t want our poor ponies to get eaten,” Bilbo snapped, but her ire abruptly deflated at the thought of what _had_ become of their ponies. “Do you think they’re fine?”  
  
“What?” Thorin asked.  
  
“Our ponies,” Bilbo explained. “They ran off when the Wargs came. I hope they’ll manage to find their way to somewhere safe. Maybe the Elves will be able to find them?” The thought cheered Bilbo up. “Elves are supposed to be excellent scouts.”  
  
Thorin snorted. “I would not count on it.”  
  
“Excuse me if I don’t want to think about poor Myrtle being-“ Bilbo bit her lip. “I’ll ask Lord Elrond tomorrow. I’m sure there’s someone he can send to look for them.”  
  
“Suit yourself,” Thorin said and shrugged.  
  
For a few moments they stood like that, one on each side of the open door, just looking at each other.  
  
“I- um, did you want anything else?” Bilbo asked when the urge to invite Thorin inside began to grow too strong. Even if Thorin accepted, not that she would, that would only lead to trouble. Like Bilbo slipping up and inviting Thorin to _bed_ and as she definitely wouldn’t accept _that_ -  
  
“No,” Thorin said, and then turned on her heel and marched off.

Bilbo watched as she strode down the hallway, dark hair flying behind her, coat billowing dramatically, and even though the halls were Elf-sized and not Thorin-sized, she still didn’t look small or out of place. She looked like a proper King should, and much too lovely besides, and Bilbo closed the door with a small sigh of something close to being annoyance.  
  
But she wasn’t sure if she was annoyed at Thorin for being so unfairly attractive and heroic, and _beautiful_ , or if it was annoyance that Thorin hadn’t even managed to thank her for something without managing to insult her at the same time. Wasn’t royalty supposed to be good at things like that? Diplomacy and whatnot.  
  
The expression on Thorin’s face during the dinner with Lord Elrond had not been anything even approaching diplomatic. Come to think of it, it’d actually looked like she’d already started to eat that rotten parsnip.  
  
Crossing the room Bilbo managed to crawl up on the high bed with a bit of a run and a jump. She didn’t bother to undress just yet. She _was_ definitely going to bed sooner rather than later, because it had been a long day. A very long day. But she wanted to stay awake for a little while. To think.  
  
She’d washed her feet when they’d first been shown to the rooms assigned to them, and as the small amount of walking she’d done after that had been on clean floors and not dirty paths she was at least approaching respectable even while in bed with all her clothes still on. Even if her notions of respectability really were bothered by the coat gingerly left in a corner. A coat which still had stains of Troll snot on it.  
  
That wasn’t something that was ever mentioned when talking about adventures.  
  
Not coming back, or not coming back the same, _sure_. That Gandalf made sure to mention. But the possibility of being used as a handkerchief? Nope. And how much you’d appreciate the opportunity to sleep in a real bed after weeks of sleeping on the ground? No indeed, no one mentioned that part.  
  
Rolling onto her stomach Bilbo pillowed her head on top of her arms and looked at the rather sad figure her coat made. Despite the terrible apology the truth of it was that Thorin had the right of it. It was just sheer luck that Bilbo hadn’t gotten anyone killed, especially herself. If Thorin hadn’t-  
  
“Hello, neighbour.”  
  
After Bilbo’s lungs had unshrivelled and started working again Bilbo coughed and managed to sputter something that at least vaguely sounded like Nori’s name.  
  
“I have the room just next to this one,” Nori explained, as if that was even remotely an acceptable reason as for why he was now standing on Bilbo’s balcony.  
  
“You usually knock before entering someone’s room,” Bilbo protested after gulping down some much needed air. “And for that you need to be by the _door_ and not on the balcony.”  
  
Nori, who’d had raised his hand to knock on the balcony door tilted his head. “This is _a_ door.”  
  
“But not the front door,” Bilbo huffed as she sorted herself out to sit up on the bed. “What if I’d been sleeping already. Or- or not been _dressed_.”  
  
“Well,” Nori said as he crossed the threshold and stepped into the room. “If it’d been the former I guess I would have climbed back to my balcony again. If it’d been the latter... I would have apologised. But I can’t say that I would have minded.”  
  
What?  
  
While the words were a tad ambiguous the look in Nori’s eyes was _not_ , nor was the purring tone of his voice, and Bilbo’s mind stuttered and decided that it would like a bit of a lie down.  
  
“But, _Bofur_?” Was what Bilbo finally managed to reply, still trying to understand the concept of Nori wanting to see her undressed. Didn’t he understand that female Hobbits looked nothing at all like male Dwarfs?

“Bofur,” Nori said, eyes narrowing. “Is he coming here? I knew he-“  
  
“No?” Bilbo shook her head, still terribly confused. “No, but- you like him? Or Dwalin? Both? Because there- you- there was _flirting_.” Bilbo bit her tongue before she could say anything about how it was perfectly all right for Nori to be interested in two people because she certainly was.

“Dwalin? Bofur?” Nori snickered and the tense line of his shoulders relaxed. “Last time I checked, my breasts were entirely too small to suit Bofur’s tastes, and I’d not crawl into Dwalin’s bed as long as I've got the use of at least one of my hands. Or a foot.” He tilted his head to the side. “And I’m pretty limber. With a bit of practice I could probably manage to suck myself off.”  
  
Bilbo’s mouth opened, but she had absolutely no idea what to say. None. Luckily Nori continued without needing to be prompted.

“Dwalin and I tried sleeping together once and it was about as exciting as watching paint dry.”

“That's rather rude,” Bilbo said faintly, watching as Nori took a step closer to the bed. The bed she was sitting on. The bed that could be used for other things than sitting. The bed she had already been planning to use for other things than sitting and sleeping. Though not with Nori around. Unless her thoughts counted.

“Eh, ask Dwalin and he'll tell you the same.” Nori took another step closer still. “And do me a favour and ask while Dori is around to hear, because that will be hilarious. He won’t-”  
  
“Why did you come here?” Bilbo asked, not interested in dragging things out any longer.  
  
And this was going to be one of those days when nothing went as she excepted, because instead of Nori’s green eyes turning smouldering again the Dwarf suddenly looked a little… awkward. Which definitely was surprising.  
  
Bilbo hadn’t really noticed before now, but Nori had kept one arm behind his back ever since appearing on her balcony, and when he slowly pulled it around he was holding a flower. And holding it out for her.  
  
Bilbo didn’t recognize it, but it looked to be some sort of lily. It was orange, which could stand for passion or hatred, but that was likely moot as Bilbo didn’t really think Dwarfs would know anything about the language of flowers anyway.

“You like flowers,” Nori said, a little defensively when Bilbo didn’t immediately reach out for the almost-lily.  
  
Bilbo had intended to thank him, because she did like flowers, but what came out was something a little different.

“Did you take this from Lord Elrond’s gardens?”  
  
Strangely this half-question, half-accusation seemed to relax Nori instead of upsetting him.  
  
“No I had this little pot filled with a dirt and a seed with me all along and now it _finally_ blossomed.” The Dwarf snorted. “Please, it’s not like he’ll miss it.” He took another step closer, and now his knees were almost bumping up against the bed. “Do you like it?” He held it out to her again, and Bilbo slowly reached up to curl her fingers around the stem, brushing Nori’s in the process.  
  
“I like it. I like it very much.”  
  
-  
  
Bilbo had tiny fingers. Objectively Nori had known this already, but it was that much more obvious when they were so close to his own. Small and probably soft, and he wanted to kiss them, nibble at the pads until hazel eyes turned dark with pleasure.  
  
“I did not like it when I thought you were going to be eaten by Trolls,” Nori said softly and brushed his thumb over Bilbo’s hand as she took the flower from him. There’d been so many close calls…    
  
“That makes two of us,” Bilbo muttered. “Nori, I- why are you here? It wasn’t just to give me a flower.”

“If you want, we can say that was the whole reason.” Nori straightened back up again, hands clasped together behind his back. It was safer that way. That way he wouldn’t try and smuggle Bilbo into his pocket to steal her away. He’d had that urge ever since seeing her held up between two Trolls, about to be-  
  
“But it’s _not_ the whole reason?”  
  
Nori shrugged. “Up to you.”  
  
It wasn’t just Bilbo’s fingers which looked tiny. Like everything else in Rivendell the bed was built to suit someone twice their size, and the vast expanse of white sheets behind Bilbo’s back was promising all sorts of things it had no right to do before Bilbo had agreed to it.  
  
Her curls flocked around her head like a puffy little cloud, a few long enough to coil down towards the collar of her blouse.  
  
A blouse which had been a fair bit whiter at the start of their journey, but despite the darker colour it was now deliciously see-through when Bilbo wasn’t wearing anything over it.  
  
Nori had quite a few wishful thoughts concerning Bilbo’s breasts alone. The dark shadows of her nipples had been driving him crazy for weeks, and to know exactly what they looked like without any fabric at all covering them… That would be an excellent start towards knowing what they felt like beneath his fingers, how they tasted, and what noises Bilbo might make while he touched her like that. _If_ she wanted him like that.  
  
Bofur wouldn’t be coming, and she’d not told him no yet. But she’d not told him yes either. “Whatever you want,” he said, itchy fingers twining together behind his back.  
  
-  
  
“Then I’d like a kiss,” Bilbo said, putting the flower down across her lap while trying to pretend that her palms weren’t at all sweaty from nervousness . “I’d like it if you came here to give me a flower _and_ a kiss. Even if you could have knocked and not just scared me half to death.”  
  
Was almost getting eaten by Trolls worth getting a kiss from Nori? Undoubtedly and unquestionably _yes_. And come to think of it, the Trolls had been the reason for Thorin seeking her out too.  
  
Bilbo was suddenly feeling a lot more fond of Trolls then she’d been just a few moments ago, even with the damaged done to her coat.  
  
As Nori raised his leg to put his knee up on the bed Bilbo’s eyes dropped from his face without asking her first. Nori wasn’t wearing his coat but his trousers were still bulky enough that she couldn’t really see anything even when the thick cloth stretched tighter over his groin as he climbed up on the bed.  
  
But when she forced her eyes back up again it was easy enough to see that Nori had noticed her trying to sneak a peek, and as he smirked at her, eyes crinkling at the corners.  
  
Bilbo’s mouth went embarrassingly dry and her nipples decided that this was an excellent time to stiffen against her blouse.  
  
As she was sitting and Nori kneeling he was a fair bit taller, and Bilbo bit her lip and prepared to get on her knees as well, but-  
“No, don’t move,” Nori said, touching his hand to her arm. “We can- like this?”  
  
‘Like this’ meant that he very carefully settled himself down in her lap, knees on either side of her hips, spread pretty wide to shrink the height difference. He was scarcely resting any of his weight on her but still very much _there_. Very much close. Very warm. And he’d had a bath before coming to her room, because he smelled of soap and not pony.  
  
“Not to heavy?”  
  
Bilbo shook her head, looking up at him. She didn’t need to look up very far now.  
  
It wasn’t just soap. Nori also smelled faintly of pipe weed, and…like something else, something quite delicious. From having been entirely dry Bilbo’s mouth was now watering and as a thought occurred to her she had to swallow before she was able to speak.  
  
“You’re sitting on my flower!” It had been in her lap and now-  
  
Nori glanced down, and he didn’t even look apologetic about having crushed the flower he’d only just given her. “I’ll pick you another one?”  
  
“From Lord Elrond’s gardens?” Bilbo asked pointedly. “Or your magical flower pot?”  
  
“He won’t miss it,” Nori promised, lifting his hand to cup her cheek. “And I never said my flower pot was magical.”  
  
“As it doesn’t exist I don’t see why not,” Bilbo said, turning her head the warm palm. “Don’t think I’ll forget that you owe me a flower.”  
  
Nori was so _incredibly_ warm. It seemed to be something typical for all Dwarfs, because she’d noticed the same thing when Bofur had slung his arm over her shoulders, or when Fíli or Kíli had nudged her to get her attention. But them touching her hadn’t felt anything like this.  
  
Another thought occurred to her, and she narrowed her eyes at Nori.  
  
“Are you still wearing your _boots_?”  
  
She tried to look behind him, but as she did so, he instead gently nudged her face upwards and then they were kissing and just like that all thoughts of boots smearing dirt on her wonderfully clean sheets were gone.  
  
-  
  
It had been… you couldn’t really say it’d been a long _day_ , because they’d been up all night trying not to get eaten by Trolls, so really it’d been a long _couple_ of days and for his first time with Bilbo he had every intention of being well-rested, and ready to impress her enough that she agreed to a repeat performance. Falling asleep mid-shag would not be the best way of going about that.

All he had been planning on doing was to give her a flower and make her aware that Bofur wasn’t the only one who’d be appreciative of her company, in whatever way she chose to share of herself.  
  
But that was before he’d been completely captivated by how Bilbo had looked lying on the bed. And to his defence _she’d_ been the one bringing his attention to ideas of how she might look without clothes. And then she’d asked for a kiss.

As he’d agreed to those terms, very willingly, Nori had had no intentions to go further than just kissing. Not unless Bilbo absolutely wished it. Because even though he rather felt that his performance would be less than stellar, he was far from stupid enough to not give it his best go when opportunity fell into his lap.  
  
And Bilbo seemed interested in going for it.

They’d ended up lying on the bed, Bilbo beneath him, her arms and legs wrapped around him, holding him close, but instead of her kisses growing more urgent, they instead grew languid and… sleepy.

As Nori snorted and pulled back with a final peck to now reddened lips Bilbo’s eyes slowly slid open and she made a small unhappy noise. “Where are you going?”  
  
“You, my dear burglar, are falling asleep.”  
  
“Am not,” Bilbo protested, ending said protested by yawning wide enough that Nori could count all her small pearly teeth.

“I will try to not take it personally,” Nori teased as he began to move. Only he didn’t get very far before small hands fastened themselves to his shirt.  
  
“Stay?” Bilbo asked. “If you’d like. I’d like it if you did.” A small smile touched her lips, which Nori found rather unfair as she’d looked beautiful enough before. “I don’t even know if I could fall asleep without someone here to snore in my ear.”

“You _are_ trying to use me as a sleeping aid,” Nori protested, feigning hurt. “I see how it is.”  
  
“Perhaps we ca-aaaaaahn have an exchange of services?”  
  
It was probably meant to be seductive, but the yawn in the middle only made it horribly endearing. Either way though, Nori was not about to say no.  
  
“We have an agreement,” Nori said, ducking his head down to steal a quick kiss before rolling off her.  
  
As he hopped down from the bed and started undressing, Nori was very much aware of the pair of hazel eyes that followed his every movement. He didn’t undress entirely, because while they were staying at what hopefully was a safe place they were sleeping beneath an Elf’s roof and not that of an ally.  
  
“If you’ve got wandering hands in the night try and stay away from my knives,” Nori warned.  
  
“You’re coming to bed with knives still attached to your person?”  
  
“If we need to leave unexpectedly I’d rather be prepared.”  
  
A very interesting flush coloured Bilbo’s cheeks. “I was planning on sleeping naked.”  
  
Nori paused in the middle of pulling off his boots. “I will make no complaints. And I offer to carry your clothes if we do need to leave in a hurry.”  
  
“How generous.”  
  
Now dressed in only his undershirt and long underpants Nori got back up on the bed and grinned at her. “So feel free to make yourself comfortable.”

-  
  
Her father was definitely going to come back and haunt her, Bilbo concluded as she pulled her blouse and undershirt over her head and quickly shimmied out of her skirts, leaving only her knickers on.  
  
Only he would be too embarrassed to do it right away if he appeared now, and it _had_ been entirely worth it just to see that stupefied look on Nori’s face as she removed her knickers before she’d slid beneath the sheets.  
  
He’d not actually expected her to undress completely, that much was obvious.  
  
“You may take my clothes and fold them neatly on the dresser by the door,” Bilbo told him and smiled innocently at him as she nestled down in the marvellously comfortable bed . “Please and thank you.”  
  
Nori’s voice was just a little bit hoarse when he next spoke. “You are going to be trouble.”  
  
“I could say the same.”  
  
They looked at each other, and then began to snicker at the same time.

“I would not have thought that this was the sort of behaviour that your kind considered proper,” Nori said as he crawled over the bed to snatch up her discarded clothes.  
  
“We’ve known each other for a good long while now,” Bilbo sniffed. “It is not as I invited you into my bed that night in Bag End.”  
  
“I would not have minded if you did,” Nori murmured. “You looked very enticing in your dressing gown. And lying on the floor as I was when we first met I will admit to entertaining thoughts about what you were wearing underneath it if I were to look up at a convenient angle.”  
  
Bilbo snorted. “Weren’t you out of luck then as I was actually wearing trousers at the time.”  
  
“Dori had a bit of a tut over that one,” Nori said and grinned at her. “He can be rather old-fashioned. Ladies should not wear trousers.”  
  
“Lucky I’m not a lady then,” Bilbo countered, looking on with approval as Nori neatly and quickly sorted out her clothes and then jumped off the bed to place them on the dresser. She might also have looked on with approval at Nori’s backside, because the cloth of the grey trousers he had on clung to it rather lovingly.

-

“If you run off in the night I will be most cross,” Bilbo murmured just as Nori was starting to drift off.  
  
“Not going anywhere.”  
  
And that was more true than Bilbo might understand. But… Nori couldn’t help but wish that the bed was just a little less empty on his other side.  
  
“Where’s my flower?”  
  
Nori chuckled and stroked his hand through Bilbo’s soft curls. “I’ll get you a new one. Sleep now, little burglar.”  
  
“Mmm,” Bilbo said, or breathed rather.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2nd chapter and two thirds of the trio have already sorted themselves out!  
> Now if Thorin can be a little cooperative. ;)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahoy!

Nori woke almost immediately after Bilbo had begun to trash and mutter in her sleep.  
  
It was now much darker then when he’d gone to sleep, as the sun had moved away from their window, but the sky outside looked fairly bright, which meant that morning was not that far off. Though even if it had been in the middle of the night Nori, as a Dwarf, would have had no problem watching Bilbo as she dreamt. As it was, the lingering shadows posed no problem at all.  
  
Except that he felt a little guilty about watching, and a little better about it after he’d pulled the sheet up to cover her upper body. If he was going to gawk at Bilbo’s breasts, they _were_ most certainly worthy of being gawked at, he’d do so with explicit permission.  
  
That’s not to say he had his eyes closed as he arranged the sheet, because Nori freely admitted that he just wasn’t that good of a person. But despite how Bilbo’s breasts seemed just the perfect size to fill his hands, he’d not fondle sleeping Hobbits without permission. There was a line. But a Dwarf could dream.  
  
And so could Hobbits it would seem. Because even though Nori had first thought that the moaning and thrashing had been due to a nightmare; something that would have been natural considering the recent events, it rather quickly became obvious that Bilbo was dreaming about something much more pleasant.  
  
Mahal either really wanted to reward him, or punish him, and Nori couldn’t quite figure out which one it was, because to have a moaning and squirming Bilbo in bed with him, a pink flush on her cheeks and on as much as he could see of her chest (which sometimes was the whole of it as she kept ignoring his best intentions and kept pulling the sheets _down_ ) but not being allowed to _touch_ …  
  
And then Bilbo let out a little breathy sigh, and in an unquestionably pleased tone said his name. She said _Nori_ , and had there been a way to measure self-esteems Nori’s would have grown at least a couple of a sizes. And his cock had similar plans.  
  
Very gently, as to not startle her, not to mention that if he stopped being very gentle Nori feared he’d immediately turn much too rough for Bilbo’s tastes; Hobbits clearly being more fragile than Dwarfs, he nudged her shoulder hoping to wake her up. Because there was a limit to what he would do to someone sleeping, just as there was a limit to what a Dwarf could take. Waking out up would hopefully solve both those problems.  
  
“Bilbo?”  
  
“Mmmm, Thorinnnn,” Bilbo purred, and Nori blinked.  
  
Well, that was something he’d not expected.  
  
-  
  
“ _Thorin_ ,” Bilbo moaned, opening her eyes expecting to see the King sitting with her back to Nori’s chest, both their legs spread, only… Instead she saw a white shadowy ceiling. Another dream then.  
  
But, a ceiling? Usually it was the sky- Oh _no_.  
  
Bilbo’s eyes widened and she quickly turned her head to he left only to see surprised eyes looking back at her. No, no, _no_!

“That’s interesting,” Nori said slowly, and Bilbo began to wonder if it was possible to die from embarrassment.  
  
For a moment she contemplated crawling beneath the sheets and refusing to come out. Or inside the pillow. The pillow was _enormous_. Maybe she could make a home of it. A nice soft, downy home where it would be impossible to go to bed with one Dwarf, only to wake up with the name of another on your lips. Never mind that she’d dreamt about both of them again.  
  
It was still rude. And still _greedy_.  
  
If she was fortunate enough that Nori would literally crawl into her bed, did her dreams really have to ruin it that by giving her dreams about Thorin? About Thorin touching herself as she ordered Bilbo to do the same, Nori’s hands busy on Thorin’s breasts, pinching her nipples. Thorin’s blue eyes had been dark with desire and her voice even more husky than normal, and Nori’s green eyes-  
  
Bilbo glanced away from said green eyes, now narrowed in thought. She didn’t want to know what he must be thinking right now.  
  
And to make matters worse there was a rather insistent pulsing ache between her legs, asking for attention. Stupid, stupid dream.  
  
“You said Thorin’s name,” Nori said slowly, and there went the small hope that Bilbo hadn’t actually said Thorin’s name out loud. “You are interested in Thorin,” Nori said, and it was not quite a question, but certainly straight to the point.

Bilbo thought about denying it, but it was extremely poor form to fib in bed, regardless of the topic. Even if it would mean that Nori would not like it, would not like her, she had to tell him the truth. “Yes, but-“  
  
She’d not expected him to laugh and a stab of hurt speared through her, but Nori did not seem to notice.  
  
“I am too,” he snorted. “Interested. In both of you. Mahal really has a sense of humour after all.”  
  
“You, _really_?” Bilbo scrambled up to sit on the bed. “You’re not… making that up?”  
  
Nori shook his head, and his braids, much less neat now than when they’d gone to bed, swayed rather alarmingly on top of his head.  
  
“That’s-“ Bilbo tried to think of something to say, but apparently words disliked living in the mind of someone who switched her mood several times, very drastically, in a narrow timeframe. “ _Both_ of us?”  
  
“Yes.”

At a loss for what else to do, Bilbo flung herself at Nori and pressed their lips together.

-

  
Nor was not about to object to suddenly having a naked Bilbo lying on top of him, kissing him as if he was delicious and she wanted to eat him. It was just one more incredible thing to happen this morning.  
  
But he still managed to pull away long enough to inform the delightful surprise in his arm that they would need to talk. Afterwards.  
  
Bilbo wanted Thorin. Bilbo wanted him, and Thorin. Which meant that half of Nori’s problem to make that equation work had disappeared.  
  
It might still consist of a fair amount of wishful thinking, sure, but if miracles could begin to happen perhaps they would continue to happen. Mahal might just feel very generous for some reason. Nori was not going to object to that.  
  
Not when he was much too busy sucking on Bilbo’s’ tongue, and moulding his hands to Bilbo’s arse, helping her get settled on top of him. Even through his clothes she felt incredible, and Nori groaned and rocked his hips up against Bilbo’s. That earned him a small pleased moan and Bilbo grinding down against his covered cock, so he did it again, and again, and then-  
  
With a rather high-pitched squeak, Bilbo trembled, her hands tightened in Nori’s hair, and then she went limp and collapsed on top of him like a tent someone had removed all the poles from. She shuddered again as Nori rocked up against her one more time before he could make himself stop.

  
-  
  
“Did you just-?” Nori asked, and he sounded more shocked than he’d been about hearing her say Thorin’s name. Sure it’d been quick, and he’d not even gotten all the way undressed, but she only needed a bit of a breather and they could continue. No need to sound like she’d sprouted horns.  
  
“You did,” Nori stated, and Bilbo buried her face in the corner of his neck, huffing a little as the beard tickled her nose. “Just from _that_?”  
  
“I had a dream,” Bilbo muttered a bit peevishly, lifting her head to avoid a mouthful of hair. Inhaling somewhat shakily she then poked Nori in the shoulder. “And you felt really good.”  
  
“But I even get to-“ Nori shook his head. “Never mind.”  
  
Bilbo didn’t realise that she was being moved until there was suddenly a bed beneath her instead of a lovely, compact body. Expecting Nori to roll on top of her, Bilbo was instead bemused when Nori’s hand gently traced the curve of her right breast, only to immediately snatch it back when she moaned encouragingly.  
  
“Sorry,” Nori said, looking guilty, and Bilbo felt even more confused.  
  
“Whatever for?”  
  
Her confusion did not exactly lessen when Nori looked confused in turn.  
  
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I know you must be sensitive now.”  
  
Bilbo looked down at her breasts and then back at Nori. “What?” Sensitive?  
  
“You did come just now, right?” Nori asked.  
  
“Yes?” Bilbo replied, glancing down at herself again. “I did. That seems to be a correct summary.”  
  
“Then you don’t want me to touch you too much, right?”  
  
“Um, no? I mean-“ Bilbo snagged Nori’s hand and pressed it to her breast. “There’s something I’m not understanding here, but I’d love for you to touch me.”  
  
“I won’t hurt you?”  
  
“No?”  
  
They stared at each other.  
  
“Okay,” Bilbo said after a few moments. “Based on what just happened, is it correct to assume that it’s not exactly normal for your lovers to come after a few minutes and ask for you to keep touching them?”  
  
“Yeah,” Nori agreed, his hand still cupping Bilbo’s breast. Without breaking eye contact he brushed his thumb over her stiff nipple, flinching a little as Bilbo shuddered. “That felt good?”  
  
“That felt very good,” Bilbo promised, her voice having gone husky.  
  
“Huh,” Nori said, doing it again, soon letting his other hand join in on fondling her breasts. Bilbo arched her back to press up into the touch, and as she now had two free hands herself she moved down to rub between her legs, fingers sliding easily through her own slick.  
  
“Did you- _again_?” Nori asked, looking a little wild-eyed as Bilbo moaned and twitched as she rubbed her fingers over her nub.  
  
“No,” Bilbo said. “Not _yet_.” Honestly, how quick did he imagine that she was?  
  
“You can come several times?”  
  
Bilbo blinked up at him. “You can’t?”

Nori leaned back. “I think we need to have that talk now.”  
  
-

Hobbits were amazing.  
  
Nori watched avidly as Bilbo’s eyelids fluttered close as she clenched around his fingers. Still being a little unsure where the limits were, Nori continued to rub his thumb over her pearl, but with a much more gentle touch than he normaly would have used, stroking his other hand along Bilbo’s thigh as she twitched and shook through her fifth peak. Fifth.  
  
“That was _five_ ,” Nori said, feeling righteously smug.

“I can count,” Bilbo said weakly.  
  
“Five.”  
  
“And you’ve not at all,” Bilbo protested.  
  
“Trust me, I’m not exactly suffering.”  
  
Bilbo spread her legs wider and pulled her knees up a little. “Don’t you want to not-suffer inside of me?”  
  
“You’re sure?”

“If you want?”

“Oh, _please_ ,” Nori breathed and leaned over to kiss her, and it was easy as anything to fit himself between her legs and slide inside. She was so wet, and warm and snug and the noises she made…

“Hmm, yes,” Bilbo groaned, arching up against him, legs wrapped around him. “That’s very nice.”  
  
“Nice, is not- a, oh, fuck.”  
  
“Did you just-?”  
  
“No,” Nori gritted out, snorting when he wrenched his eyes open to see teasing hazel eyes. “Funny.”  
  
“I- ooh!”  
  
“I didn’t, hurt you?” Nori was almost trembling trying to keep still and not thrust his hips again.  
  
“Noooo,” Bilbo breathed, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. “More.”  
  
“Yes m’lady.”  
  
“I’m not a _lady_.”  
  
-

“So you like Thorin,” Nori asked and Bilbo snuggled a little closer to him, hand playing with the red curls covering his chest.

“Have you seen Thorin?” Bilbo sighed.  
  
“Have you talked to Thorin?”  
  
Bilbo snorted. “You like Thorin too, you said you did.”  
  
“She’s not that bad.”  
  
“Well, no.” Bilbo bit her lip. “That’s the problem isn’t it. She’s-“  
  
They sighed as one.  
  
“Yeah, she is,” Nori agreed and his arm tightened around her. “Come on, back to sleep. Today hasn’t quite begun yet, and it might be a long day, full of Elves.”  
  
“I’m not tired,” Bilbo grumbled, lifting her head to look up at him. She was really quite proud about the mess she’d made of his hair.  
  
“Seven isn’t enough?” Nori asked, eyebrow quirking.  
  
“I didn’t mean-“ Bilbo flushed and squirmed as she could feel a distinct throb between her legs at the idea. "Well-"  
  
Nori blinked. “Really? You could- again?”  
  
“There’s really no need to sound like- Oooh!” Bilbo squealed as Nori rolled them so he was braced over her.  
  
“I’ve decided I’m not leaving this bed at all today,” he told her before kissing her.

-

  
Eventually though, they had to. Bilbo’s stomach realised that ignoring the dinner the night before it had been rather neglected lately, so breakfast was a necessary interruption.  
  
On their way to the dining hall (or that's where she assumed they were going as Nori seemed certain about the way) Bilbo caught herself smiling at everyone and everything.  
  
There was the tiniest ache between her legs to remind her of what had happened during the night, and the rest of her body felt like it could melt at any given moment. She was holding Nori’s hand. Everything was wonderful and _nothing_ was impossible.  
  
But that feeling only lasted until they arrived at breakfast.  
  
Bofur grinned when he saw them arrive already, and let it be unsaid if he understood what they’d been up to or was just happy to see them. He waved as if there was a chance that they’d not see him even though the room was empty except for him, Thorin, Bombur, Fíli and Kíli, and Glóin.  
  
Thorin did not grin. Her eyes dropped to their hands and she froze, spoon of porridge half-way to her mouth.  
  
And Bilbo’s heart fell when a dark frown settled on Thorin’s brow. Oh _no_.

Smile a lot paler than before, Bilbo followed Nori to the table and as they sat down she pushed her chair closer to Nori’s, seeking comfort. Perhaps not the brightest thing she could have done as it made Thorin’s eyebrow knit together even more, but Bilbo felt like she _needed_ to be close to Nori. She needed to have something. One of them.  
  
The King finished her bowl of porridge with three huge spoonful’s and then stood up. Fíli said something, what Bilbo didn’t hear. Instead she leaned against Nori’s side and sighed, watching as Thorin marched out of the room, stopping at the threshold to turn and send a final dark over her shoulder, clearly aimed at her and Nori.  
  
-  
  
But where Bilbo saw disapproval, Nori saw something else entirely. Possessiveness. Jealousy. And if he wasn’t mistaken, it was aimed at the both of them. Brilliant.

“I believe, my dear burglar,” Nori murmured and glanced towards Thorin’s disappearing back. “That we've indeed got us a king to steal.”  
  
Maybe Mahal could get rid of the Dragon for them if he was already in the spirit of making miracles happen.  
  
“What?” Bilbo hissed. “She’s _angry_.”  
  
“But _why_ is she angry?”  
  
Bilbo opened her mouth to reply, but she didn't have the chance before Fíli and Kíli bounced around the table to ask nosy questions about why they'd been holding hands.  
  
"Later," Nori said and winked at her. "We'll sort everything out."  
  
Bilbo snorted. "I'll hold you to that."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what is Thorin thinking?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 <3 <3 for diemarysues who helped when I got kinda stuck writing this  
> it's so much better now than it otherwise would have been

Glaring daggers at any Elf that dared look at her Thorin stalked down the hall, not really sure where she was going but knowing that if she’d stayed she might have said something that she would have regretted later.  
  
She could not believe the sheer gall of them. And she was also angry at herself, because she shouldn’t really be surprised. She’d known Nori long enough to know that the list of what he took seriously was _extremely_ short; his family, and that was it.  
  
If Ori had not signed up as a scribe Thorin was sure that Nori would not have come on the quest in the first place. Perhaps his friendship with Dwalin played some minor part in the decision as well, as an unlikely friendship as it sometimes (most of the time) was, but yes, Thorin was sure that Nori had one reason and one reason alone for joining the quest. And for staying instead of running off the first time something else caught his attention.  
  
And that was _fine_. Obviously Thorin had no problem with someone who’d do anything for their family. Dori too had only joined because of Ori. And Thorin was doing this for her own family, as well as for her people.  
  
She was willing to lay down her life if it meant that Fíli and Kíli in turn got the life they deserved, the home that they had been promised in countless of tales of what once had been, and she did not doubt that Nori would to the same for his brothers. And he was a great resource to have on a quest like this, quick in thought and body both. Cunning and clever and resourceful.

But Thorin did _not_ appreciate Nori carrying on with their burglar. There was a time and place for such things, and that time and place was _not_ now. It was a distraction that could end up having a terrible price.  
  
As for the Hobbit... Thorin should perhaps not be surprised about her actions either. But be that as it may she _had_ expected better of their burglar.  
  
Despite Thorin’s first impressions of a skittish and useless creature their burglar was not stupid. Nor was she weak. But she was soft. Spoiled. And as quick of thought as she could be she was also  unthinking at the worst possible times.  
  
To risk her life to save a couple of ponies, not just once, but _twice_ … Foolishness.   
  
And she’d been entirely too impressed by the Elves’ home.  
  
Thorin sniffed as she looked around at the flimsy railings and impractical number of windows and gateways that were everywhere. It would be hopeless to try and defend this place against an attack. They’d be forced to destroy all bridges and hope that their arrows did not run out before someone managed to build new ones. Even if the burglar found it worthy of admiration, couldn’t she see that it was not to be relied upon? Not to be trusted?  
  
Apparently not. And she seemed to be just as easily swayed by a blinding smile and twinkling green eyes. Because Thorin had not noticed that their burglar and Nori had spent that much time together on the road. And now… now they appeared to have spent the night together. Just like that.

Had Nori just been waiting for the opportunity to have an actual bed to talk Bilbo into? It seemed like the sort of thing someone who had spent their life in comfort would appreciate. Stretching out on a soft mattress on soft sheets and being kissed and touched and-

Frowning at nothing in particular Thorin stopped at a small pond, and seeing as there were no Elves nearby she sat down. Not at the impractically high bench that would have her dangle her legs like a small child, but instead she settled on the sturdy stone edge running around the pond like a small wall. Frowning at nothing in particular became frowning down at the water and the fishes swimming mindlessly in it.  
  
They could simply not afford distractions like this. And Mahal help her if she caught them sneaking off for a tumble in the bushes when they were on the road again. 

Thorin resolutely forced the image of both Nori and Bilbo trading urgent kisses out of her mind, and she did it which such a speed that she could almost forget that the thought had ever been there. Almost.   
  
Oh, Mahal, she was going to have to make sure they were not on watch together. Ever.

And then there was the other side of the coin.   
  
Lovers’ quarrels could bot be allowed to get in the way of what they had set out to accomplish.

It was bad enough when she’d thought that their burglar would start something with Bofur.

That would also have been… a distraction. Yes. For their burglar. And Bofur, of course. And they really did not need any distractions. But at least Bofur would not start a courtship that he was not serious about.

Whereas Nori took close to nothing serious. Dwalin had griped about it often enough. And they really did not need a lovelorn Hobbit.  
  
 _Love_. Thorin's mouth twisted up in a mocking smile when she caught a glimpse of herself reflected in the pond.  
  
Love was selfish. And so was attraction. It was selfish and dangerous, and it did not really matter if they both lo- if they both felt the same way or not. About each other. It would not- _could_ not end well.  
  
Either Nori would get bored and move on, as he’d done so many times before, or Bilbo would simply decide that she’d had enough and return home. Both those things were just a matter of _when_ , not if. Bilbo did not belong with them, and Nori had made it a point not to belong anywhere except with his family.  
  
A ripple in the water made the reflection wobble and Thorin scowled down at the red and gold fish that swum around without a care in the world.  
  
The way their burglar had been looking at Nori… leaning against him. Holding his hand as they came into the dining hall.

And the way Nori had been looking back. Angling his body towards her, seemingly without thought.  
  
Biting the inside of her cheek Thorin refused to think about how that meant that it was now entirely too late for things that she'd _never_ wanted in the first place.

If it _was_ serious… for both of them, that... that would be the worst possible scenario.

Because they would both be distracted. Very distracted. Now _and_ when it ended. Which it would. 

It was entirely possible to ignore attraction. And other selfish desires. And not only  was it possible, it was safer that way.  
  
Because now was _not_ the time for distractions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're going to have their work cut-out for them.


	5. Chapter 5

Bilbo took some convincing before she believed that Thorin wouldn’t simply laugh at the idea of the three of them together. And Nori’s protests when Bilbo suggested that they’d just _ask_ did not help at all to sway her.  
  
“You can’t just ask, she’ll say no.”  
  
Biting her lip Bilbo stared down at her hands in her lap, twining her fingers together. “Then it’s hopeless.”  
  
“It’s not hopeless.”  
  
“But if she’ll say no?” Wasn’t that the definition of hopeless? Dwarfs were very confusing creatures.  
  
“Ah,” Nori grinned at her. The two of them were sitting on Bilbo’s bed, and he reached out to place his hand over both of Bilbo’s. “That’s why we need to trick her into saying yes.”

“Nori,” Bilbo protested.

“In the best possible way of course,” Nori assured and wrapped his arm around her waist, easily pulling her over into his lap. “If we ask, she'll say no without thinking about it. And she’ll probably be too stubborn to change her mind later. And I’m willing to bet a lot of coin that she’ll also say no because she thinks that she doesn’t want us.”

“Go on,” Bilbo said cautiously, squirming a bit to make herself comfortable. And then squirming a little for the sake of squirming and what squirming might lead to. They were going to have access to a bed a limited number of nights after all.

“But if she realises that she wants us.. And _then_ we offer her to have us...” Cupping Bilbo’s cheek Nori gave her a slow, thorough kiss. “Then everyone wins.”  
  
“And if- if she doesn’t want us?”

Nori grew serious. “Then no harm done and the two of us will go on our merry way. Together.”  
  
“Together,” Bilbo agreed, sliding her arms around Nori’s neck and pressing a quick kiss to his nose. She snorted. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope that doesn’t happen.”  
  
Snickering Nori tumbled Bilbo backwards down onto the bed.  
  
“I’m grievously injured. My feelings are anyway.”  
  
“Oh you know what I meeeeaaaaaah-“  
  
Giggling and wriggling to get away from Nori’s tickling fingers Bilbo almost ended falling off the bed and both their laughing and shouting was loud enough to carry outside into the hallway where a certain dark haired King was passing by for no particular reason at all. Indeed not.  
  
-  
  
Thorin looked at the door, thought about knocking and telling them to stop behaving in such a disgraceful manner but decided not to.

What if they’d already undressed. That would be-  
  
Thorin frowned and licked her lips and continued dawn the corridor. Her pace noticeable quicker than before.  
  
-

“Are you sure this is the proper way of going about it? Bilbo asked doubtfully after they’d made peace, both flushed and Nori’s hair was again dishevelled in that way that made Bilbo feel oh so very smug even though she wasn’t entirely sure why she was smug. "I was thinking that for a start I might accidentally lose a few buttons on my blouse?"

"Not a bad plan, but this will be better."

"But it's just combing my hair?"

"It's me combing your hair. And then you'll do mine. That’ll show Thorin what she's missing."

"Hair combing?"

" _Hair combing_."

Bilbo sighed. "Very well, I guess it’s not going to hurt. _But_ I'm still unbuttoning my blouse a bit. And you should take off your boots. And socks."

"Erm, why?” Nori looked down at his sock clad feet, toes wriggling. “Thorin's hardly going to be interested in my feet. And of course it won’t hurt, I’ll be very-“ he grinned. “Gentle. I promise.”

"Maybe Thorin won't be interested, but I will."

Nori’s grin grew. "Oh how forward of you mistress Baggins. I like it."

“You’ve got cute feet,” Bilbo smiled, nudging one of them with her own. “A bit on the small side but-“ Nori wriggled his fingers threateningly and Bilbo snorted. “Fine. But what's so special about hair combing?” 

“It's intimate.”

“I'll not make a public spectacle out of us,” Bilbo said sternly. “Losing a few buttons is quite-“

“Not that kind of intimate.” Nori paused. “Well it _can_ be, but that’s-“  
  
“Nori?” Bilbo prompted after the Dwarf had been silent a few moments too long.  
  
“Sorry,” he said, flashing a quick grin. “It's just, if you allow someone access to your hair and beard it’s proof that you really trust them because they could easily slit your throat as well as fix your hair.”  
  
“It’s to show that I don’t want to kill you?” Bilbo wrinkled her nose. “I thought that would be obvious.”  
  
“How about the little death?” Nori smirked.  
  
“No death at all,” Bilbo protested. “Not even when you’re being annoying.”  
  
“It’s just an expression.” Nori’s smirk grew smaller, but not less intense. “Allow me to demonstrate.”  
  
-  
  
Bilbo still thought it was a stupid expression, but point taken.   
  
Um, no pun intended.  
  
-

  
The chance to set their plan in motion came the first evening after they’d left Rivendell, after they’d made camp for the night.  
  
They’d (or rather Nori had) decided that Bilbo would comb Nori’s hair first since apparently Bilbo's hair would be more exotic and thus worthy of being the finale.

Clearly nonsense as Nori’s red hair was miles more beautiful than Bilbo’s unruly locks of no particularly impressive colour. Not to mention it was almost literally miles longer, something Bilbo only realised as she saw it completely unbound for the first time. 

"Oh, Nori," she breathed once the last braid was undone. "Your hair, it's magnificent."

They’d settled a little away from the fire, and the others, to give the pretence that they thought no one would be watching. Bilbo was sitting on a log behind Nori; the Dwarf sitting on the ground. No shoes. And Bilbo's clothes were indeed a little more unbuttoned than normal, not that anyone could really see it as she was hidden away behind Nori.  
  
Long, long, red hair – all copper and gold in the firelight – now pooled down into Bilbo’s lap. She’d already known it was smooth like silk, though thicker, and she _had_ seen it in various states of not being properly braided over the journey so far and in the last couple of days in particular, but she’d not expected _this_.  
  
Nori turned to smile at her, said smile containing more than a little preening smugness, and Bilbo didn’t at all blame him.

"May I braid it?" she asked, running her fingers through it more just because she could than to clear any tangles.

A scandalised gasp came from where the rest of the Company was sitting.

"Sure," Nori said. "Dori, mind out of the gutter and clouds. She's not got any beads, so she's unlikely to propose."

Bilbo blinked. “That’s how you propose?”  
  
“It’s one of the ways you could propose,” Nori said. “Don’t tell me Hobbits have just _one_ way and there’s a complicated dance or something that I-“ He fell silent, and there was a tenseness to his shoulders that hadn’t been there before.  
  
“Nori?”  
  
As he stood up Bilbo looked up at him with concern, even if she couldn’t help one briefly admiring glance at his hair which was long enough to reach his hips. He held out his hand and Bilbo took it, wondering if this was some part in their plan that she’d missed the explanation for. But it seemed to not be the case as Nori led her away from the camp. Not far, but now there was no need to pretend that everyone wasn’t watching.  
  
“Nori you’re scaring me a little,” Bilbo said, squeezing his hand. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Nothing’s wrong unless you count Thorin being stubborn,” Nori muttered. He sighed and tugged her closer, into an embrace. “I’m just- I’m more than just interested in you. _And_ Thorin. I- care for you. Both. Very much so.”  
  
Surprised Bilbo pulled back. “Well of course?”  
  
“Of course?” Nori echoed.  
  
“Why would you have been jealous about Bofur otherwise?”  
  
Nori’s eyes narrowed. “Because I’d not want him in your bed if there was a chance I could be the one in it.”  
  
“There you go,” Bilbo shrugged.  
  
“This is not a contradiction of what I just said, but I would like to point out that you can be jealous without being – without really caring for the other person.”  
  
Bilbo sighed and knocked her head against Nori’s chest. “Is this a Dwarf thing?”  
  
“You _can_ ,” Nori argued. “You can be possessive without l-liking someone.”  
  
“I’ve never been,” Bilbo said reaching up to brush her fingers over the freckles beneath Nori’s eyes. “If you’re just friends, or perhaps not even that, then what does it matter who else is in that person’s bed? As long as everyone agrees that it’s just a bit of fun. It’s just another way of getting to know someone. If I’d just wanted to _bed_ you and Thorin I’d been happy with just it being us two. And since I thought you were interested in Bofur he could have come along as well.” The Hobbit wrinkled her nose. “Except that he thinks I’m like a sister and that’s not really something I’m interested in. And not that I’m not happy with it being us two, but you know what I mean.”  
  
There was a few moment’s silence, then a slow smile spread over Nori’s face. “The more I learn about Hobbits the more I like them.”  
  
As the sound of someone stepping on a branch seemed to echo out in the landscape both Nori and Bilbo froze, and Nori was quick to put himself in front of Bilbo, a knife appearing in his hand from some place unknown.           
  
Both relaxed when a familiar head appeared over a bush.

“Um,” Kíli cleared his throat. “Thorin sent me. Told me to say that if you get eaten by Orcs you’ll only have your selves to blame.”

-

When they actually completed the hair brushing plan Nori would like to call it a huge success.  
  
Thorin had switched between pointedly not looking at all and not being able to look away, and even if there’d been a whole lot of glaring involved in the looking it was still a good sign.  
  
What was not so great was Bilbo’s skills at braiding but that would come with practice, and having a few questionable braids was entirely worth it in favour of getting his hands on her unruly locks. They were stubborn little things, resisting his efforts all the way, and when he finally managed to work something into shape he only needed to look away for it to be undone.  
  
It was a challenge. Nori liked challenges.  
  
But he really hoped that he wasn’t reading Thorin wrong.

Just knowing for sure that she really wanted them both, would be great. And if she understood that she wanted them that would be brilliant because then they could actually just ask. Had she any objections then they could talk about it.  
  
But it was hard to argue against ‘I don’t want you.’ Not only hard, it shouldn’t be done. And Nori was afraid that was exactly what the response would be should they broach the topic now.  
  
Still, he was hopeful. It had been jealousy that he’d seen, twice now. He was almost entirely sure of it. This would work out. Even if- well, he would say even if he had to tupp Bilbo in front of her, but it was not like that would be a hardship.

Best saved as a last resort though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nori is my baaaby, lol  
> But yeah, even Thorin is better at confessing feelings involving the word Love. As long as she understands that she has said feelings she's got no problems with them.  
> Nori is more like... if I don't talk about it, nothing will go wrong.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woops, did not mean for it to be this long between chapters
> 
> in other news, I stumbled upon a list of things you'd need to know to survive the zombie apocalypse and I basically only need to work at lock picking and parkour, then I'm set, lol  
> seems good, but I'm never going to be good at parkour so yeah, I need a parkour buddy who can drop me a rope ladder. Any takers?

By a democratic process, meaning that Bilbo got to decide, the next step in the plan was cooking something for Thorin to eat.  
  
Nori's plan had been to ‘accidentally’ put their bedrolls next to Thorin's and ‘accidentally’ rolling over to snuggle with her in her sleep. But Bilbo had vetoed it as it was a bit creepy and should be saved for when it wouldn’t have to be an ‘accident’. Bilbo took care to inform Nori about the inherent creepiness in his plan. Informing him at great length and with a pause in the middle for some snogging. Because even two people very intent on a plan (well one plan and one stupid idea) could get a little distracted every now and again.  
  
-  
  
Bilbo’s plan could not be said to have _failed_. There was food, Thorin did eat it, and she even thanked Bilbo for it. Not… politely. Well, politely for Thorin, which meant a gruff: “Thank you.”  
  
But to Bilbo’s disappointment Thorin rather failed to notice the significance of it all. Not even when Bilbo pointed out that _she_ had made it and not Bombur or Bofur did Thorin understand that it was a clever appeal to her stomach, heart and other parts, in that order. Unless Thorin _really_ liked pheasant stew. (Nori would not judge, it was possible he enjoyed pie a little too much. But _not_ in the way you're thinking.)  
  
“I made it,” Bilbo announced, all but bouncing with eagerness, and Nori tried very hard to not find it unbearably cute. He did not manage, but he wasn't terribly sorry because of it.  
  
Thorin paused for a moment, spoon halfway to her mouth, then she completed the spoon’s journey and put the stew inside her mouth.  
  
“’S goodh,” was her comment. A comment made before she’d hardly tasted it. Much less swallowed. And she didn’t even look at Bilbo whilst speaking.  
  
 _This_ was not an appropriate response when being courted with food, or so it seemed from Bilbo’s crestfallen expression.  
  
Bilbo contemplated adding that she’d made it _especially_ for Thorin. Even though it wasn’t entirely true as everyone else was also eating the stew as it was meaningless cooking for one when there were 14 hungry stomachs to feed. Having come to that conclusion that it probably wouldn't help and only make her look like a fool she hid a sigh and slunk off to sulk while leaning on Nori.  
  
Nori tried to cheer her up by pointing out that Thorin did help herself to a second serving, but it did not help Bilbo’s gloom as Thorin _always_ had seconds as long as there was plenty of food to go around, and Kíli had shot an impressive number of pheasants earlier that day.  
  
“She looked at your arse when you walked away,” Nori murmured, and Bilbo perked up a little.  
  
“She really did?”  
  
“No,” Nori admitted, easily avoiding Bilbo’s attempt to elbow him in the ribs. “But that only shows that she hasn’t learned to appreciate a good thing. You’re a great cook.”  
  
Bilbo huffed but leaned against him again, _without_ any elbows saying hello first, so he considered himself forgiven.  


-  


Nori’s revenge for not getting to act out the snuggling plan was to come up with another plan that Bilbo didn’t much like either but which she couldn’t say no to. A plan _without_ snuggling, but which entailed Bilbo learning how to fight.  
  
As Nori could argue that this was not only a way to gain Thorin’s attention but also a useful skill to have on their quest Bilbo really couldn’t say no even though she had no desire what so ever to learn how to use that cute little sword of hers. (Nori’s words, not Bilbo’s.)  
  
The plan commenced and immediately had to be put on hold while Nori made a sword out of wood for Bilbo to practice with as her ideas on fighting included entirely too much flailing for him to think that a sharp edge was a good idea.

But once that had been taken care of they did make some progress, both with Bilbo’s skills and with Thorin. More with the former than the latter, but as that would help Bilbo’s survival Nori still counted is as a huge success.  
  
Bilbo learnt that the pointy end of a sword should never be pointed at her own feet, especially when you were not wearing boots, and Nori took her through some basic defensive stances. He also snagged Dwalin to use for educational purposes as someone as small as Bilbo needed all the lessons available on how to fight someone much bigger than her, and while volunteering Thorin had of course crossed Nori's mind he thought it best to work up to that.  
  
Thorin watched them as they trained, but her expression could have been cut from marble, if the sculptor had been fond of giving his master pieces a heavy frown instead of the serene look most artists favoured.

Nori was waiting for a moment when Thorin _didn’t_ look annoyed. Or possibly for a moment when she got so annoyed she snapped.  
  
What he _wanted_ to see was a longing look. Or even an upset one as that could mean that she had realised that she was jealous. If Thorin was upset is was the easiest thing in the world to comfort her. Several times and at great length and with admirable thoroughness.  
  
If she was annoyed… not quite as easy to help with that.  
  
Of course what would have been really brilliant would have been if she decided to volunteer herself in the teaching, but that didn’t happen, and there was no snapping either.

However Nori did catch Thorin giving them rather _interesting_ looks from time to time. The sort of look that possibly meant that she appreciated Nori draping himself over Bilbo’s back to better show her how to move her arms in a thrust, and appreciated it in a way that was not _entirely_ out of concern for Bilbo’s safety.  
  
The sort of look that said that she perhaps imagined _other_ possible scenarios of being close to him and Bilbo when thrusting was involved. Perhaps a scenoria not including clothes, perhaps one including a hot bath, scented oils and a bed with sheets that magically changed themselves when there was a risk of people getting permanently glued to them.

Though it was possible that Nori got a bit carried away there.  
  
Regardless. There was progress. A bit. And then everything went entirely cock over tits and not in a good way at _all_.

It started with Stone Giants, continued with Thorin saving Bilbo’s life only to proceed with a dressing-down that was even worse than the ones Dori used to give when he realised Nori hadn’t slept in his bed for a whole week, ("And just where did this coin purse come from!?") and it ended with Nori watching a wide-eyed Bilbo as she realised she wasn’t being shoved along by Goblins like the rest of them. And then she disappeared out of his view as he was pushed and nudged and cackled at by entirely too many Goblins with entirely too many poking fingers and weapons.  
  
Bilbo's absence was a constant thought in the back of his mind as they were ‘introduced’ to the Goblin King and as Thorin quite possibly saved Ori from being tortured (at least temporarily) by offering herself up instead (something that made Nori want to kiss and smack her on the back of her head even more so than usual) and as they were all suddenly running for their lives.  
  
All through that the thought of Bilbo all alone in the Goblin caves buzzed like a really angry bee inside Nori's head.  
  
Having her own her own, away from Goblins had seemed like an amazing idea when the alternative had been to have her be captured with them, followed by almost certain torture followed by certain death.  
  
Having her on her own when that no longer seemed like the certain outcome was then suddenly the worst idea Nori had ever heard and he would have gone back to look for her if not the _entire_ fucking place had not started to collapse. There was nothing to go back to. Goblins could apparently not build anything worth shit and that might- that might- it might mean-  
  
Out in the fresh air once more Nori turned to the closest tree and punched it, with no care for his hands, something that made Dori, Ori and Dwalin all gape at him in shock.  
  
At that same time the Wizard realised that Bilbo was not with them and Nori tried not to hate him and everyone else for not already knowing that.  
  
Staring at the cave opening they’d come out of Nori wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince himself to _be_ an idiot and go back in there for Bilbo, knowing it’d be hopeless, or if he was trying to convince himself _not_ to do it, knowing it’d be hopeless.  
  
Either way, he both won and failed because he ended up punching the tree again before starting to walk back towards the accursed Goblin infested mountain.  
  
“You can’t go back,” Thorin protested, moving in front of Nori.  
  
Nori looked up at her and bared his teeth in something that was not a smile. “Oh I _can_.”  
  
“Nori-“ Thorin’s eyes softened and Nori almost screamed, but he didn’t have the chance before a miracle happened.  
  
“You _can’t_ ,” Bilbo said, suddenly there with them. Out on the hill side. Not dead inside the mountain. There. With him. Alive. “And we’re going to have a long talk about the fact you even thought- oomph!”  
  
“Thank Mahal,” Nori breathed as he wrapped himself around her, squeezing her tight (probably a little too tight) before pulling back and cupping her face, kissing her with every last bit of emotion that had been building since he saw her stay behind. He didn’t stop until he could feel her sag a little in his arms, and then he immediately pulled back, peering at her worriedly.  
  
“Couldn’t- breath,” Bilbo panted. “Squeezed breath- out me, then kiss.” She shook her head and gulped in a couple of big breaths. “Doesn’t mean you should _stop_.”  
  
But since everyone else decided that that was their cue to interrupt Nori _did_ have to stop.  
  
After a couple of minutes of everyone noting that Bilbo wasn’t actually dead, hurrah, Thorin stepped up and looked down at both them (Nori was _not_ letting go of Bilbo unless someone cut his arms off). The King had an undecipherable expression on her face.

“Why did you-”  
  
Wargs howled in the not distance enough distance and Thorin did not get a chance to finish her sentence before they were all running once again. But this time Nori kept a firm grip on Bilbo’s hand. And he did not let Thorin out of his sight either.  
  
He'd throw himself off the mountain before losing either of them again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter can be summarised as Nori being 110% done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tweaking film canon a bit at the start of this  
> lol, she says, knowing that there's obviously been gender and canon changes before chapter, but well, you'll see what I mean I think

So, it was easy to say that he'd throw himself off the mountain before losing Bilbo or Thorin again, but he couldn’t throw his _brothers_ off the mountain. Which was why he could only watch in horror as first Thorin and then Bilbo left the burning tree to go towards certain death at the hands of Azog and entirely too many Orcs.  
  
Right.

As Nori was currently clinging to a tree branch that was sure to break at any moment, Dori clinging to him and Ori in turn clinging to Dori, it wouldn’t be long before he could strangle both Bilbo and Thorin in the afterlife before locking them somewhere with a lot of soft pillows.

Still alive of course, because if you could die in the afterlife then Nori would need to have stern words with Mahal.  
  
The last thing he saw before the branch groaned alarmingly and cracked was Bilbo crouching over Thorin’s much too still body lying on the ground, her little sword in hand as she looked up at an approaching Orc. Who had a much bigger sword. Practically as big as Bilbo.

It was not at all an exaggeration that the last day, counting from when they’re broken camp shortly before running into the Stone Giants, had been the worst of Nori’s life. Which was perhaps to be expected as it would also be his last.

Except… it wasn’t.  
  
Though it did take him a little longer to figure that out as being snatched up by a giant _eagle_ didn't immediately lend itself to thoughts of survival. No, indeed not.

Nori had been quite convinced that he’d end the day as a snack instead of going splat against the ground. And then it was back to ‘splat’ as the blasted overgrown bird tossed him up in the air.

Landing on the back of another one of the feathery beasts only improved Nori’s mood slightly, and if he’d not spotted Ori and Dori as well as other members of the company on the back of others of the enormous chickens he might have introduced his longest dagger to the neck of the bird and taken his chances with the splat after all.  
  
He… might have been contemplating it up until the point when he saw Bilbo.  
  
“Bilbo!” Nori called, having to repeat himself a few times for the Hobbit looked his way. “THORIN?!”  
  
He did not hear Bilbo’s reply, but he could see her pointing to another of the eagles, and when Nori squinted to see in the low light his heart did a quick journey down into the bottom of his stomach when he noticed that there was no one on the back of the eagle.  
  
Then the moonlight caught on Thorin’s sword and Nori had never been so thankful for his ability to spot something shiny even at a distance.  
  
-  
  
There was no sleep to be found for Nori that night. Not only was he entirely too far above the ground to want to try it, but even if he’d attempted to sleep he’d have been woken every so often by Fíli and Kíli as they called for Thorin.

There was never any reply, but as the morning dawned they were still at it. Nori could admire their persistence even as he wanted to yell at them to shut up, because every time there wasn't an answer something twisted in his stomach.  
  
The moment the eagle he was riding got close enough to the ground Nori jumped, rolling as he landed as to not break anything. Dwarfs were _not_ meant to fly. Dwarfs were not meant to watch people they cared for almost get killed three times in one day.  
  
Snagging Bilbo’s arm Nori pulled her against his side, quickly running his hands down her side to check that no bones were sticking out where they shouldn't. He then pressed a quick kiss to her forehead and continued with her in tow towards where Gandalf was bent over Thorin. Thorin who seemed to be well on her way towards waking the fuck up, thank _Mahal_.

“The Halfling?” Thorin groaned, and Nori flicked a look to Bilbo who looked to be a complicated mix of relieved and exasperated. As he'd already been the receiving end of the lecture on how Hobbits weren't the half of anything he rather hoped he could skipped the one coming Thorin's way. Still, that was not important at the moment.

“Subtlety is over rated,” Nori hissed in Bilbo’s ear as Dwalin and Kíli helped Thorin to stand. “Fuck subtlety. Life is not _long_ enough for subtlety.”  
  
“Nori?” Bilbo asked, head tilting in confusion.  
  
“New plan,” Nori hissed back as he dragged her along with him.

“What were you doing?” Thorin growled as she caught sight of Bilbo. “You nearly got yourself _killed_!”

“Sounds familiar,” Nori growled, and when Thorin turned to look at him he grinned at her and took a step closer, and closer, and- “Don’t have me beheaded or anything like that.”  
  
And then he kissed her, still holding on to Bilbo, cupping Thorin’s face with his free hand.  
  
Thorin tasted like dirt and metal and Nori did not care, trying to make it as good of a kiss he could. You did not kiss your King without trying your very best, that was probably a courtly rule or something. Dori might know, but Nori was not about to stop and consult him.

When he broke the kiss, Nori made sure to immediately pull a dumbfounded Bilbo in front of himself and Thorin.  
  
Thorin, looking dazed, bruised, and entirely too lovely, peered down at Bilbo and blinked.  
  
“Never do anything like that again,” she growled as if the kiss had never happened and Nori wanted to tear his hair out.  
  
“ _Me_?” Bilbo spluttered. “You were the one who-“

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Nori muttered and shoved Bilbo forwards, into Thorin’s arms, both of them instinctively clutching at each other.

For the next few moments he was fairly sure neither of them were blinking, much less breathing.  
  
Glancing around at the rest of the company Nori drew the conclusion that he wasn’t the only one with the desire to pull is hair out by the roots, but he wasn’t sure if everyone shouting at them to kiss would actually work. No, perhaps it would be better with a demonstration. And he would selflessly offer himself as a guide.  
  
Tapping both of them on their shoulders, Nori proceeded to cup the back of Bilbo’s head as soon as the Hobbit turned to look at him.  
  
“This is how you do it,” he said, looking at Thorin before leaning in to cover Bilbo’s lips with his own.  
  
Only that’s when the Wizard cleared his fucking throat and Bilbo made a small meeping sound and ducked away.  
  
“Perhaps you could continue with your… lessons at a later time?” Gandalf suggested, as if Nori wasn’t about to murder him.  
  
“Would that be before or after we’re almost killed again?” Nori asked sweetly, as if he wasn’t about the murder him. No need to tip him off after all.

Unfortunately the look Gandalf gave him indicated that the was very much aware of what Nori was thinking.

Damn him. Couldn't he stick to saving everyone's lives and otherwise buggering off?

-  


And they almost died again. _Again_. This time by almost being eaten by a bear, who was apparently their host. Because he wasn’t _always_ a bear wanting to eat them.

Right.

Not to mention that they’d spent a lot of the day being chased by Orcs. How the bloody fucking fuck had the Orcs even caught their trail again? Or did their company truly just have the worst luck Nori had ever seen anyone have?  
  
Thinking back on everything that had happened since leaving the Shire, that idea did not seem very farfetched at all.

They’d no sooner gotten to this Beorn’s house and barred the doors to avoid being eaten by their hairy host before Thorin had pretty much conked out, leaving Nori unable to continue with his plan. Not that it was a good plan, but still. Kissing Thorin until she got a clue was at least a more immediate plan then doing other stuff and hoping to one day see results. As he'd told Bilbo, life was obviously too short for that sort of plans.

The way Thorin had looked on the mountain side when Nori had been about to storm into a Goblin infested mountain to get Bilbo back or die trying, something which honestly could only have ended up as the latter, _that_ look had made Nori hopeful that kissing Thorin until she realised she’d been an idiot was actually going to work.  
  
But it couldn’t work if she was out cold for the night, and since he could hear her snoring he suspected that was indeed the case.  
  
He _could_ wake her… but then again, she had just been used as a Warg’s chew toy, not to mention how Azog’s mace had-  
  
“You’re thinking very loudly,” Bilbo whispered, squirming to turn around inside his arms (of course that’s where she was, Nori would _glue_ her to his side if he’d had a strong enough glue).  
  
“Go to sleep.”  
  
“I can’t, you’re thinking too loudly.”  
  
“Bilbo…”  
  
“Nori…” Bilbo teased, pressing her lips against his jaw. “You go to sleep. And we’ll discuss your plans tomorrow. Because as usual, they’re terrible.”  
  
“Terrible?” Nori repeated, injured.  
  
“Fine, the hair brushing one was good.” Raising herself up on her elbow, Bilbo kissed his nose. “Sleep. We’re still all here, in one piece. Things will be better in morning.”  
  
“Unless we’re eaten by a bear in the middle of the night,” Nori muttered, but he allowed Bilbo to arrange them as she pleased, and burying his face in her curls the thief closed his eyes and listened to Thorin’s snores (and most everyone else’s) as he finally allowed himself to relax a little.  
  
-

The next morning before breakfast, Nori and Bilbo had a quiet but heated discussion, involving a lot of pointing, hissing and flapping of hands.  
  
“Little bunny and fox,” Beorn called. “Come and eat.”  
  
Neither Bilbo nor Nori realised that it was the two of them that Beorn meant, so they continued to discuss the merits of actually talking to Thorin versus continuing to snog her as Beorn made his way across the room.  
  
“Breakfast,” he ordered, towering over them. “Little bunny needs to grow nice and fat," he added, giving Bilbo a somewhat worried look.  
  
As Bilbo was then busy spluttering and Nori was busy snickering they didn’t actually make a move to join the others at the table, something that caused Beorn to sigh and bend to pick Bilbo up.

This was not a good idea.  
  
“Don’t touch her,” Nori growled, shoving Bilbo behind himself, dagger appearing like magic in his right hand.  
  
He’d not expected the hug Man to nod approvingly.  
  
“Good, take care of little bunny.”  
  
“Bunny!” Bilbo fumed. “I’ll have you know I am a Hobbit, a Baggins of Bag End, not a-“

“Kitty, stay,” Beorn cautioned , turning to look at Thorin making her way down from one of the high benches around the table.  
  
“Kitty?!” Thorin _hissed_ , and then Nori started giggling couldn’t stop until Bilbo had dragged him to the table and pressed a bit of cheese into his mouth.  
  
The cheese wasn't that good, but it did get Nori to remember that he'd not eaten in a day, and with the way things were going, who knew if he'd ever eat again. Best enjoy it while he could.

-  
  
Breakfast with mice running about as they pleased on the table was new.  
  
Nori could see how Dori just barely restrained himself from protesting. As for himself Nori just barely restrained himself from offering one of the white little thing to Thorin, a post-breakfast snack to the ‘kitty’. (The thought almost made him start snickering again, but he just barely held on to his composure.)

He and Bilbo hadn’t entirely agreed what the best thing to do now was, but they were both convinced that they should do _something_. Soon, before Thorin talked herself into something stupid.  
  
Which meant that they each appropriated one of Thorin’s arms after breakfast, and – after Bilbo had raised herself up on her tip-toes to kiss her cheek – led a surprisingly pliant King out into the garden outside the house.

“Right,” Nori said after making sure no Orcs lurked behind the bushes. “Bilbo thinks we should have a long conversation about our feelings. I think we should continue with the kissing.” He looked at Thorin. “You pick.”  
  
“Nori!” Bilbo protested. “You can’t just.. _say_ it.”  
  
“Apparently I can,” Nori shrugged.  
  
“You can’t- this is the stupid idea with the bedrolls all over again.”  
  
“As we didn’t try it you can’t know that it would be stupid.”  
  
“Oh, I believe me, I _know_.”  
  
“Pfft,” Nor turned towards Thorin. “As a sign of good will towards the bunny-“  
  
“I’m not a bunny!”  
  
“-I’m willing to have a _short_ conversation about our feelings. I’ll go first.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t want to live without you, either of you, please stop trying to kill yourselves.”  
  
“I’ve not tried to _kill_ myself!” Bilbo shrieked. “And I’m _not_ a bunny!”  
  
“You’re missing good opportunity to throw yourself at me and promise to never do it again,” Nori informed her. “Both of you,” he added, looking at Thorin who still hadn’t said anything. She’d not said a lot on the whole since waking up. It was beginning to be a bit worrying.  
  
“Oh I’ll throw something at you all right,” Bilbo muttered.  
  
“Tell Thorin how you feel instead,” Nori prompted. “So we can get to the kissing part of this morning.”

After they’d almost been eaten by Trolls wonderful things had happened and the following morning had been spent in bed with Bilbo. Nori was rather hoping for a repeat, only with Thorin included, and as they’d now all almost died close to half a dozen times he thought a morning in bed definitely wasn’t too much to ask for.

Unless you considered that they’d all bedded down on blankets and hay and not in actual beds. Nori frowned. The Elves’ bed _had_ been much nicer.

Bilbo shot him a dark glare, answered by Nori with a bright, encouraging smile.

Huffing the Hobbit turned to Thorin.

Immediately the annoyance seemed to drain out of her, and the Bilbo shuffled her foot against the ground, a small blush rising to her cheeks.

She was _adorable_ and Nori wanted to wrap her in blankets and keep safe forever. Maybe on an actual bed, just, for convenience sake.

“It’s all right if you don’t feel the same way, Thorin,” Bilbo murmured. “But I happen to be very much in love with you, and Nori, and I know Nori feels the same way.“  
  
Nori winced.  
  
“Even if he seems to be averse to that particular word for some reason,” Bilbo concluded, giving him a pointed look.  
  
“You, love me?” Thorin said, and Nori winced again.  
  
“Must we use that word?”  
  
“Yes,” Bilbo said firmly. “We must.” Ignoring Nori she then turned her attention back to Thorin, slowly reaching out to take the King’s hand.  
  
Her fingers seemed even more tiny than usual next to Thorin’s and Nori’s compulsion to find blankets to wrap Bilbo in grew stronger.  
  
“Is it possible that you could feel the same?” Bilbo asked, giving Thorin’s hand a gentle squeeze.

“I-“  
  
Nori held his breath.  
  
“-don’t-“  
  
Bilbo bit her lip.  
  
“Yes,” Thorin finished.  
  
Nori turned to Bilbo. “Did she-“  
  
“She did,” Bilbo agreed, and then they pounced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Nori don't call the nice eagle that just saved your life for a chicken, that's not polite)
> 
> ((am I using Beorn as a plot device, maaaaaaybe, a little, but Tolkien did it first *sticks tongue out*))
> 
> I think there's one chapter to go, and then maybe an epilogue, but every time I say this about a fic it turns out not to be true, so yeah


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drama happened in this chapter.  
> Maybe a little too much drama. But hey, DRAMA! Make popcorn *nods*

Sadly there was a limit to the sort of pouncing you could do when there was an awful lot of family just around the corner. Or behind a door as it were.  
  
Not to mention that the giant sheep that had walked up and then just stood there and stared was something of a mood killer. Albeit not _that_ much of a mood killer now that he finally had both Bilbo and Thorin right there with him, gloriously alive and with flushed cheeks and pink lips and both of them ten kinds of gorgeous as they kissed each other.  
  
Bilbo had to stand on her toes and her arms were around Thorin’s neck, and Thorin was hunched down, her hands looking so beautifully big where they rested on Bilbo’s waist and Nori wanted those same hands on him and for them to stay on Bilbo and clearly this could only be solved by Thorin growing an extra pair of hands.  
  
Their eyes were closed and Bilbo kept making small pleased noises as she sucked on Thorin’s tongue and it wasn’t like Nori _blamed_ the sheep for staring. He’d been selling tickets if he’d not been forced to hurt anyone who’d bought them.  
  
With that thought in mind the redhead gave the sheep a warning look and the white fluffy thing bleated and trotted off.  
  
The disgruntled sound seemed to call Bilbo’s attention back from whatever happy place she and Thorin had been lost in, and the Hobbit pulled back from the kiss.

Clearing her throat the Hobbit ran a hand through her hair, only succeeding in messing up her curls even more. But she had little bit better luck smoothing down her shirt, which made Nori want to _fix_ it for her and take it off completely. He wasn't sure if Bilbo looking ruffled or Bilbo looking proper was more enticing. Further studies needed to be done.  
  
“I think this is not the place for this,” Bilbo said, a hint of a blush creeping down her neck to gather on her chest and the top of her breasts. Bless her lost buttons.  
  
“I agree,” Nori murmured. “We need a bed. I assume the shape-shifter’s is suitably large…”

It was hard to say what delighted him most; the deliciously affronted little noise from his Hobbit, or the speculative look from his King, even if it was quickly replaced by a no-nonsense expression.  
  
Alas, he did not get the chance to explore either that day. Or even that week, because no sooner had Thorin opened her mouth - and what she’d been planning on saying Nori never found out, before the door opened and Balin; hand covering his eyes, asked if they perhaps should depart for Mirkwood before any Orcs came knocking?

 _That_ was the start of a three week long misery that Nori never wanted to experience again.  
  
The troubles began when the world’s most annoying Wizard, who nevertheless had his uses, suddenly remembered that he had urgent business elsewhere.  
  
It continued in a forest that made Nori understand why Ori disliked green things so much, and compared to this forest the sheeply powers of mood killing were a mere pale shadow.

Sleeping next to Thorin or Bilbo or the both of them was a lot nicer than sleeping alone, but it would have been a lot nicer to actually get more than a few hours’ sleep at the time before something unseen in the shadows hissed at them.  
  
Yes... the forest contained many interesting things.  
  
Like rivers that gave people, namely Bombur, amnesia.

And spiders. Giant Spiders.  
  
And let’s not forget Elves. Bloody fucking bastards Elves who didn’t have anything better to do than rounding up Dwarfs to decorate their dungeons with.  
  
Being locked up was one of Nori’s least favourite things and, surprise, it only got worse as Bilbo had not been locked up with the rest of them and as such was likely still out by herself in the spider infested nightmare of a forest.  
  
It was also not improved when guards immediately took Thorin away from the rest of them.  
  
And to top it all off? He’d lost his lock picks somewhere so he was well and truly stuck.  
  
Nori was _not_ happy.  
  
He was only _marginally_ more happy when he eventually stumbled out of a barrel and into Thorin’s arms as she helped him out of the sodden death trap he’d been in much to bloody long.  
  
-  
  
“We are never doing this again,” Nori hissed, fisting his hands in Thorin’s wet coat, his hair hanging like a dripping catastrophe over his eyes.  
  
“And he called _me_ a cat,” Thorin muttered as she gently brushed the darkened strands away so she could look at Nori properly. Green eyes glared blearily up at her, and Thorin plucked away a twig that had gotten tangled up in Nori’s now mostly unbound beard. “Are you hurt?”

“No,” Nori shrugged, despite the bruise Thorin could see on his cheek bone. “Bilbo?”  
  
“Is fine,” Thorin promised as she’d seen Dwalin help her out of the water, and their Hobbit had been wearing a very disgruntled expression indeed but one that would not have made an appearance had she actually been hurt. Nor would the very loud stream of complaints that Thorin had heard. “Wet of course, but-“  
  
“I’m restraining myself from an obvious joke,” Nori said, lips twitching into something at least _similar_ to his normal smirk. “I thought we were waiting for a bed before you-“  
  
“This is _not_ the time for this,” Thorin said firmly, but she couldn’t help but to bend down and press her forehead against Nori’s.  
  
When she tried to pull back Nori’s hands had nestled in her hair and stopped her.  
  
“Not the place, not the time…” He shook his head. “Both of you almost died again,” he said conversationally. “I thought I’d asked you to _stop_ doing that.” And before she could point out that he’d been as wrapped up in spider’s silk as she’d been, or was just as wet; it was a little unclear to what he was referring, he stretched up and kissed her.  
  
And before Thorin quite knew what had happened she’d her arms wrapped around him and her legs didn’t feel entirely steady, something of a problem as Nori appeared to think that he’s own were optional and already had his left thigh hiked up on her hip.  
  
Which nearly turned into a _real_ problem when the sound of someone clearing their throat made her flinch and break the kiss, almost ending up sending them both tumbling to the ground as she took a half-step back.  
  
When Thorin saw it was Bilbo who’d cleared her throat she flinched again, snatching her hand away from Nori’s back before she remembered that there was no reason for her to act like that.  
  
But it was difficult to _remember_. Thorin still felt as if she was doing something wrong. Nori, Bilbo, they’d- they weren’t for _her_.  
  
When they’d realised that Bilbo had been left with the Goblins and it had become obvious that Nori had been prepared to go after her… the look on his face when Thorin tried to stop him still haunted her.  
  
Nori loved Bilbo. He truly did. He wasn’t just playing, or taking advantage. He _loved_ her. He would rather die than lose her.  
  
And then by some miracle Bilbo had been there with them, she’d not been lost. She was safe.  
  
Thorin had seen Nori’s face when he too realised it, and she’d been ashamed of ever thinking that he’d not been sincere in his feelings.

The next moment the two of them had been caught up in their own little world, a world so private that they’d actually seemed surprised when the rest of the Company had rushed them, wanting to know how Bilbo had made it, wanting to make sure that she was truly all right.

And that little world… Thorin found to her surprise that she’d wanted to be part of it. She wanted to wrap her arms around the two of them, hold them. Reassure herself that they were still with them, with… her.  
  
But she couldn’t, because there was no room for her in their world.

Then, as everyone had continued to cheer over Bilbo finding her way back to them Thorin hadn’t been able to stop the thoughts of how it would have been better if Bilbo had stayed in her Shire.  
  
In the Shire things were green and safe, no Goblins would ever harm her, nothing Thorin did could ever get her killed. Hobbits belonged in the Shire.  
  
A small cold hand slipping into hers, twining their fingers together, brought Thorin out of her reminiscing.

“Are you all right?” Bilbo asked, worriedly looking up at her, as did Nori. "You just froze."  
  
“Let me see your pupils,” Nori said, gently tugging her head towards him. “Are you feeling nauseous?”

“I’m-“  
  
Hobbits belonged in the Shire, but here Bilbo was. Nori loved Bilbo, but he'd said that he loved Thorin too. Or rather, Bilbo had said it for him, but-

Thorin believed her. And believed that Bilbo meant it when she spoke of her own feelings.  
  
And... even if she only got to have it for a little while, even if the two of them might end up going to the Shire when all was said and done, Thorin couldn’t turn it down. Turn them down.  Not when she- not when she loved them too.  
  
“I'm fine," Thorin promised, and managed to smile.  
  
-  
  
“I'm fine.”  
  
“You're not _fine_ ,” Bilbo protested, pressing her hand against Thorin’s much too pale cheek. No fever. At least not of the sort Bilbo was familiar with and that thought sat heavily in her stomach as she looked up into Thorin’s glassy eyes.  
  
Getting to the mountain, getting rid of the Dragon, that was supposed to mean that their quest was done. It was time for them to finally get a happy ending. Not this.  
  
“I don't recognise you,” Bilbo said pleadingly. “You gave your word that you'd give part of the treasure to the men of Laketown. And would you rather have war than giving Thranduil what he asks for. Those gems won't even make a dent in-“  
  
“I will not give in to blackmail,” Thorin growled and out of the corner of her eye Bilbo saw Nori nod in agreement, arms folded over his chest. “I won't part with a single coin,” Thorin swore. “If it's war they want then war they shall have.”  
  
“Bilbo,” Nori said. “We can't-“  
  
“You can!” Bilbo turned to him, pleading silently for him to just _understand_. “They're not asking for much! It's not like they're asking for the Ar-“ she bit her tongue, and took a deep breath.  
  
Her hand wanted to twitch down to her pocket but she didn’t let it.  
  
“Thorin. If you had to pick between me and the Arkenstone, what would your choice be.”  
  
Thorin scoffed and looked away. “That is an absurd choice.”  
  
“I’d like an answer,” Bilbo said, her voice soft, her lungs feeling like they didn’t get enough air.  
  
“Don't be foolish.”  
  
Thorin wouldn't look her in the eyes. Not even when Bilbo stretched up to cup her cheek again.  
  
“ _Pick_ one,” Bilbo breathed. “Would you have me, or the Arkenstone?”  
  
“Bilbo…” Nori protested, but she ignored him.  
  
“I-“ Thorin hesitated, and that was all Bilbo needed to know.  
  
“I see.” Blinking away tears she fumbled in her coat pocket. ”Here.”  
  
The stone was beautiful, making the air around it shimmer with tiny rainbows and starlight, and it was the most horrible thing Bilbo had ever laid her eyes on.  
  
When Thorin didn’t immediately take it Bilbo pretty much threw the Arkenstone at her and then turned around, looking at Nori, who just like Thorin stared in awe at the King’s Jewel.    
  
“I'll- I'll be leaving now,” Bilbo said huskily, not even knowing if anyone was listening.  
  
She looked back at Thorin who still stared in wonder at the stone in her hands.   
  
When the first tear fell Bilbo angrily wiped it away.   
  
“You had it all this time?” Nori asked and Bilbo wiped away the second tear and nodded as she started moving towards the staircase. She’d found a rope before. And she was a good climber she reminded herself. It wouldn’t be too difficult to get out of Erebor, even with Thorin having blocked the main gate.  
  
“Bilbo, _why_? Why did you keep this from us?” Nori asked, almost pleaded.  
  
“Because even you-“ Bilbo had to stop and swallow. “Even you ask about it now. When I've said- when I've said I'm _leaving_.”  
  
The sob that tore itself lose from her chest was a desperate thing and something in Nori's gaze cleared.   
  
“I can't stay, I can't-“ Bilbo murmured, head bent as she continued to head for the staircase, leaving Thorin standing like a statue, eyes only for the Arkenstone. She was stroking it now, touching it like- like she loved it.

She'd only taken a few more steps when a hand gently gripped her shoulder, stopped her, and when Bilbo turned around she saw _her_ Nori again. Nori who loved shiny things, but not more than he loved her. Never more. He’d promised her that, even without saying the words he’d _promised_ her that.  
  
“Bilbo, my brothers. I can't-“ he glanced at Thorin. “I can’t leave.”  
  
“I understand,” Bilbo said. “I do. I-“ her voice broke. “I love you. Both of you. But I can't- I can't-“

And when the hand fell from her shoulder she ran.  
  
It was hard to hear anything over the sound of her own sobs and the harsh beating of her heart in her ears, but she thought she heard Nori call Thorin’s name. But it didn’t matter.  
  
-  
  
Walking away from Erebor was so much harder than dashing away from Bag End had been.  
  
Bag End was home, but it was a home built from the comfort of familiar things; doilies, books, and memories of her parents.  
  
Erebor was not home, and now would never be home, but Bilbo’s heart did not know that and with every step taking her away from Nori and Thorin the pain in her chest grew sharper and bigger.  
  
When something landed in front of her in the grass Bilbo first thought it was Thorin who’d realised what had happened and was now throwing rocks after her. As punishment for what Bilbo had done, for being the thief Thorin had accused the rest of the Company of being. 

Then she saw exactly what lay before her in the dry, brown grass.  
  
As she turned around Bilbo wasn’t sure if she did it so she’d not have to look at the Arkenstone or if she just had to see, had to know if-  
  
The unmistakable figure of Thorin stood up on the battlements, her long dark hair blowing in the wind, and a familiar figure was rapidly descending using the rope Bilbo had left behind.  
  
Not knowing what else to do Bilbo stood there and waited, and hoped.  
  
“Which one of us have you come for?" She asked when Nori was near enough, her chin raised, voice not entirely steady.   
  
“You,” Nori said holding out his hand as he slowly closed the distance between them. “Bilbo come back. Come back to us.”  
  
“Are you really-“ She sniffed. “Are both of you-“  
  
She lifted her gaze to Thorin once again, just in time to see her throw something else and Bilbo flinched back.  
  
A few long moments later Thorin’s crown rolled to a stop at her feet.  
  
“She might throw herself off next,” Nori said, corner of his mouth twitching up in something that wasn't a smile.  
  
“That’s not funny at all,” Bilbo protested even as she took his hand and let herself be pulled into his arms.  
  
“No it’s not,” Nori agreed, squeezing her tight. "It's not funny at all."  
  
When Bilbo smacked her palm against his chest he just held her tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time, epilogue!  
> (Yes I am sort of skipping a bunch of things, because it's all things we already know, so deal with it. I don't think me writing Thorin apologising would really add anything new, because we all know that she's going to do it, WITHOUT DYING IN THE PROCESS)  
> Did I mention it would be a smutty epilogue *nods*  
> Good distraction eh?
> 
> *snickers* Also, I talked about author subs in my notes the day before yesterday and since then I've a sudden influx of subscribers  
> I shall now test the hypothesis and see if talking about it again will yield the same result
> 
> *waves to lovely subscribers*  
> Hi minions! Especially welcome to any newcomers.
> 
> If this doesn't work I shall assume it was either the deliberate badfic or Smaug as a hamster that did it.


	9. Epilogue

“I’m thinking about going back to the Shire,” Bilbo informed her lovers as they got ready for bed.  
  
“ _What_?” Nori asked, glancing at Thorin as if to ask if she knew anything about this catastrophe. Judging by Thorin’s impression of a fish on dry land she didn’t.

“Oh, no, no,” Bilbo said, putting her book away as she realised what that must have sounded like. “I’m just- I’d like a few of my things, I realised that I should perhaps get them soon before anyone hears just what I’ve been up to since I’ve left.”  
  
News travelled slowly, but not at a snail's pace. Not as long as those ravens liked gossip so much.  
  
“I think they’ve might have already put two and two together,” Nori said, visible more relaxed. “Dwarfs arrive, Dwarfs leave, and that same morning Bilbo Baggins suddenly runs off shouting about adventures. How improper.”  
  
“Well, yes,” Bilbo said. “But that wasn’t exactly what I meant. Adventures is one thing but this-“ she gestured between herself and Nori and Thorin. “This won’t be considered proper at _all_.”  
  
This time it was Thorin who looked at Nori, wondering if he had any better luck understanding what their Hobbit was on about.

Bilbo sniffed. “All I’m saying is that here I am, reading in bed at a reasonable hour, wearing my nightdress and everything. That’s proper enough. Only the trouble starts when we get to the point where I’m waiting for my two lovers to finally get home. _Two_.” She shook her head. “Very greedy.”  
  
“So?” Nori shrugged. “Bed’s big enough for the three of us and it’s not like you’ve stolen us away from other people.” He grinned. "Though please, if you want to be jealous about Dwalin again I want to watch as you apologise for stealing me away, that would be hilarious."  
  
"Please can we not talk about Dwalin," Thorin murmured.

"Like you've not considered it." Nori waggled his eyebrows. "Everyone who's accidentally looked at his crotch surely must have considered it."  
  
“That wasn't the biggest problem though,” Bilbo said and Nori and Thorin blinked. “My point," Bilbo said and sighed. "Is that it's not at all proper to have lovers who need to rid themselves of crown and jewels and daggers before coming to bed.”  
  
This caused Thorin and Nori to pause, Thorin in the process of removing the beads from her hair; silver and sapphires a few shades darker than her eyes – crown already safely deposited in its box on the dresser, and Nori half-way done with fishing up the second of his daggers that he kept tucked into his beard.

“If my father knew he’d have a thing or two to tell me,” Bilbo sighed.  
  
He would probably be more upset about the fact that Thorin was a King compared to Nori being a thief. Maybe. Bilbo wasn’t sure if the fact that Nori was more of a spy these days would work for or against him. But Bungo would have gotten used to it regardless. And unlike some she could mentioned he’d not have gossiped about it.  
  
Bilbo wouldn’t mind getting some of her things from Bag End, but explaining why she wasn’t staying there would mean providing everyone with years of gossips and that just- she’d rather avoid that.

“Want to give us any insight to what your father would think about what I plan to do to you after I get you naked and spread out on the bed?”

Pretending that she wasn’t blushing Bilbo narrowed her eyes at Nori. “I’m sure he’d not want any details, and please don’t talk about my father if you plan to do more than sleeping in this bed.”

“I have all sorts of plans,” Nori smirked. “And they’re not terrible, just for your information. Besides, you started it. With your father I mean.”  
  
“That sounds terrible,” Bilbo cried, her face scrunching up in distaste. “Nori!”  
  
Snickering Nori continued to undress. “Serves you right. Not allowed to talk about Dwalin, not allowed to talk about your father. I feel oppressed, I do."  
  
Thorin meanwhile was already down to her underthings, something Bilbo happily observed in a way that admittedly was not proper at all, and also managed to be a very good distraction from unpleasant thoughts.  
  
“Why’d you care anyway?” Nori said as more and more daggers landed on the little table he used to keep his things on. “Let them talk, or better yet, just make up something else if you don’t want them to know your business.”  
  
“It’s not that I don’t want them to know,” Bilbo defended, in case either of her lover thought she was ashamed or something stupid like that. “I- what we have, I don’t want any old biddies and grumpy codgers gossiping about it, making it something it’s not. I know how gossip works. Give it a month and they'll have me being kidnapped by you or something moronic like that."

“Then just make something up if they ask,” Nori shrugged, and Thorin gave him an annoyed look.  
  
“I was not aware that we _had_ agreed on a trip to the Shire.”  
  
“If Bilbo’s going I’m not waiting here,” Nori replied, somewhat muffled as he was in the middle of pulling his outer tunic over his head. "And considering what happened on the trip here I'm guessing you're not going to wait here either."  
  
“My duties-“  
  
“Are well understood by the both of us, but-“

The beginning of what might have been an argument was derailed when Bilbo moaned.  
  
As Thorin and Nori turned their heads to look at her they discovered that the covers had been kicked down and Bilbo’s night shirt hiked up, this to make room for Bilbo’s hands slipping between her legs.

“You’re pretty to look at even when you’re being stubborn,” she explained herself, back arching a little.

From there it was quick work for the two Dwarfs to finish getting undressed.       

  

Kneeling on the bed Thorin slipped a finger into Bilbo, finding her slick and hot already.

“What _were_ you reading?” she murmured, thrusting her finger in and out a few times before pressing two inside their Hobbit.

Bilbo’s breath hitched a little and she spread her legs wider to make more room for Thorin. “History. Been trying to find references for those Eagles that helped us, as Gandalf didn’t-“  
  
“So does the book have naughty bits?” Nori asked as he crawled up the bed to kiss her. “Eagle naughty bits, you depraved little thing? Or are you just happy to see us?”

“I would be happy to see _more_ of you,” Bilbo murmured, deciding to ignore the part about Eagle naughty bits for the sake of her sanity. “Especially if you’re not going to argue and perhaps do other things instead.”  
  
“I think that can be arranged,” Nori grinned, pressing a kiss to Bilbo’s nose. “Just let me-“ He helped her out of her night shirt before stealing another kiss, this time from her lips. “There, now we can see more of you as well.”  
  
Bilbo shuddered as Thorin _licked_ her. “Not a complain, but some are doing more than just looking.”  
  
“Hmm?” Thorin said distractedly as she twisted her fingers inside of Bilbo, flicking her tongue over Bilbo’s pearl at the same time.  
  
After she’d started rubbing her thumb over that same spot it did not take long before Bilbo moaned and trembled as she came.

Thorin hummed again and carefully pulled her fingers from Bilbo, almost absently bringing them up to her mouth to lick clean.

Nori licked his lips. “Need some help with that?”  
  
“She does,” Bilbo said faintly and flapped her hand at Nori. “Trust me.”  
  


Nori sucking on Thorin’s fingers quickly escalated to Nori straddling Thorin’s lap, sucking on her neck as Thorin’s fingers busied themselves by undoing Nori’s braids.

It was always a surprise to Bilbo that such thick, sturdy fingers could work so quickly and delicately, a surprise and a delight. Not to forget the entirely improper delight Bilbo got from knowing that Thorin was touching Nori with fingers that had just been inside her.  
  
She wasn’t sure why that started a small but steady burn in her stomach but it did, and propped up on most of their pillows Bilbo was more than content to touch herself as she watched her lovers.

“Want to get fucked?” Nori breathed into Thorin’s ear. “Want me to lick you and touch you to get you ready for me? Or should I start by fucking Bilbo, get myself wet with her slick so I can slide into you? I’d like to taste you,” he added and lightly sank his teeth into Thorin’s lobe.  
  
“Apparently so,” Thorin grunted and tipped him backwards, straddling Nori’s hips as she pressed his wrists down against the bed.  
  
“Delicious,” Nori smirked, twisting his head so he could glance at Bilbo to see if she was looking at them.  
  
When his attention was side-tracked by Bilbo plucking at her pink nipples Thorin had a good opportunity to do as she pleased with her Spymaster, only her attention strayed as well as Bilbo’s hands moved down her stomach to sink two fingers deep into the slick mess between her legs.  
  
Bilbo huffed a little when she realised that they were both watching her.  
  
“I thought I was supposed to watch _you_.”  
  
“You _are_ watching us,” Nori said distractedly, bucking his hips up a little as Thorin squirmed in his lap.  
  
“And you are, as mentioned, very pretty,” Bilbo said. “But you’re not doing a lot at the moment. Not even arguing.”  
  
“She’s not happy with our performance in bed,” Nori told Thorin, brow furrowing in exaggerated sadness.  
  
Sighing Thorin leaned down and kissed him, and kissed him, and kissed him; pushing her hands against his shoulders to keep them pinned to the mattress, and when she pulled back Nori made a small whine of complaint and twisted free so he could drag her back down for more kisses.  
  
Not wanting to disturb them Bilbo bit down on her lip as she came again, fluttering around her fingers.  
  
When she managed to convince her eyes to open again it was to the sight of Nori straddling Thorin; apparently Bilbo hadn’t imagined that the world (well, bed) moved as she’d crested after all.

Nori was rubbing his cock against Thorin stomach as he leaned over her, whispering in her ear again, and from the glazed look in Thorin’s eyes Bilbo could guess what sort of things he was telling her.  
  
“Been a while since either of you fucked me,” Nori murmured as he worked a hand down between them to play with the thick dark curls between her legs, tugging at them much harder then he'd dare do with Bilbo. “Maybe tomorrow it’ll be time to get the toys you made for us.”  
  
“Tomorrow?” Thorin groaned and tried to spread her legs, which was not possible since Nori’s still bracketed them.  
  
“I’d really like to fuck you tonight, both of you. Question is…” He rubbed his cheek against Thorin’s bearded jaw, his red hair trailing over them both. “And you didn't answer before. You first and then Bilbo? Want to come on my cock and then help me count how many orgasms I can fuck our little burglar into having? Or want me to fuck Bilbo first so you’ll be sopping wet from looking when I take you? Getting you wet with Bilbo as well."  
  
“Bilbo- wanted to- watch,” Thorin gritted out, fisting her hands in Nori’s head and pulling him down so she could kiss his smirking mouth until it grew pliant beneath hers.  
  


On the other side of the bed Bilbo shuddered and shook as she came again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done :)  
> For now at least.  
> If you liked it I'd love a comment, and an extra thanks to those of you who have already left me comments <3
> 
> If you'd like to see more in this verse then a comment is definitely a good way of feeding the bunnies responsible for that.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Am I Too Big?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171170) by [diemarysues](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diemarysues/pseuds/diemarysues)




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